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welcome back...

2011-10-11T13:42:00.000-06:00

it has been a while hasn't it?

i realized how much i need to do this here recently. i might be a bit rusty since it has been since January since i've written anything... so stay with me.

update on life:
- i'm still going to graduate school and i have about another year left. i thought i would finish in Summer 2012, but decided not to overload myself and finish in Fall 2012.

- i've started working... and "part time" doesn't begin to describe it, but it's better than no income at all, i guess.

- i don't know what to call it (mainly because i find most labels between "single" and "in a relationship" confusing), but i am dating? seeing? someone and that is going well. he makes me happy :)

- my thesis proposal defense is in less than a month and that's a bit stressful... in addition to silly class assignments from a particular professor who ascribes to the notion that busy work is the best teacher.

- i have a hard time saying what i want, when i want, to the people i want.

well, that's all i can think of at the moment. i'll have something to share later on this week or early next week that will be more than a post talking about me :)

i'll close with a quote:
What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
- Bob Dylan

(i'm working on getting to the point where i can say that i am doing that)

ssdd,

levi

by the by...

2011-01-25T13:24:00.001-06:00

well, i've been running amok recently and have neglected my blog... my apologies.

school has begun and looks as though it will be an interesting and busy semester to say the least. only taking three classes this time around: Foundations of Policy, Human Behaviors in Diverse Populations and Research and Evaluation Methods I. though, i already think that one of my professors and i are not going to get along rather well.

there is one item of business i would like to share. i had an "a-ha" moment this weekend. [this will probably sound unhealthily self-deprecating here towards the beginning but keep with me; and, as i am typically a bit more colorful, i'll try to put this in language that won't make you think that i absolutely hate myself.]

i despise the way my body looks because of my weight. while this fact has not kept me from dating, or hanging out with friends or my non-dating confidence per se... it is beginning to weigh on my conscience (pun intended) more and more and more. i don't like it. and this may be more information than you care to know, but i don't even like it when i take off my shirt. this weekend, i was at a movie with some of my friends. i won't tell you which movie it is, because i'm completely disturbed by the fact that i actually went and saw this movie. let's just say the plot involved a typical Hollywood-movie romance. i'm fairly strong-minded and strong-emotioned about romance movies and this one was horrifically worse than i have ever seen.

but, it sparked within my mind [and it may have to do with being broken up with recently] something that truly pissed me off about my life: i don't care about a lot of stuff. well, let me be more specific... i don't care enough about a lot of stuff to do anything about it. id est, my looks, taking care of myself, being a healthy sleeper

well, that realization was all i really needed i guess. i made some immediate changes which i won't burden you with. they mostly have to do with physical, mental and spiritual health.

i don't know if i'll keep doing the changes everyday, but i want to end up with the changed being the norm rather than the exception.

so there we have it. an a-ha moment that led to immediate change... let's hope the change turns into permanent. or at least, into good habit.

and for good measure, a snippet of a conversation i had last summer with a stranger:
Me: How are you today, sir?
Elderly Man: [God] woke me up this morning, I'm doing great! Now, I've got a lot of shit to do and I won't get all of it done. But I got to wake up this morning, so I'm doing fine.

ssdd,
levi

a few quotes

2011-01-15T16:36:00.000-06:00

the following two quotes i ran across in recent months and they both seem appropriate to my life. for reasons i'm not completely sure of just yet...

"This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries... in the end, what does it matter when the human heart can only find meaning in the smallest of moments?"

"There's two kinds of people in this world when you boil it all down. You've got your talkers and you've got your doers. Most people are just talkers. All they got is talk. But when all is said and done, it's the doers who change the world. And when they do that, they change us. And that's why we never forget them. So, which one are you? Do you just talk about it or do you stand up and do something about it? Because believe you me, all the rest of it is just coffeehouse bullshit."

the first is from the TV series Heroes and the second is from the movie Boondock Saints II.

school starts next week! i'll be glad to have something to do again...

ssdd,
levi

.

things learned in 2010

2011-01-04T16:27:00.000-06:00

about 6 years ago i made a New Year's resolution of "no more New Year's resolutions" and i've kept it ever since. soooo, since i don't do resolutions, i'm doing a post about what i learned or re-learned in the year 2010: happy, sad, difficult and everything in between.

and some of these may seem rather simple... actually most of them probably will, but that's the joy of life... sometimes the simplest lessons are the hardest to integrate.

in 2010, i learned that...

1. i am (extraordinarily) introverted, but being around other people keeps me grounded and my head out of the clouds

2. i miss seeing my family a lot

3. no job or person is so important that you should sacrifice yourself so much that you lose who you are and what you believe in

4. i'm just as and no more important as anyone else... so i need to take care of myself but not think that i deserve something any more than anyone else

5. my life is rather unbalanced

6. people will lie to you and lie and lie and lie

7. my dogs love me like nobody's business... and that this helps me get through a lot of stuff

8. something that's important or difficult for you may be really simple for someone else, that this can cause a lot of frustration and that it's ok that it causes frustration

9. having a friend who will tell you "no" when everybody else is too chicken enough to tell you "no" is fantastic

10. turning the daily humdrum of life into something fantastic is much easier with people you love than trying to do it by yourself

and 11th one for good luck:

11. life is better outside J

ssdd,
levi

a quick update

2010-12-12T22:15:00.000-06:00

well, i need to be studying for my final tomorrow morning, but... this is more fun at the moment. sorry i've been absent for a while, but life kind of got in the way. school ends tomorrow (officially) for the semester with my one final at 9:00 AM.

with my first semester a breath away from being over, i can say: it was a good one. i'm not disappointed with my first semester. my good grades may have something to do with it, but i enjoyed it overall.

now a turn for the serious. having a friend leave your life is difficult. i am careful (and picky, quelle surprise...) about who i call friend and am very set in my ways about what friendship is. a friend of mine and i parted ways this autumn. i won't go into the details because, well, it's personal and i'm not the only one involved. as bad as it is to lose a friend, it is very good to gain that friend back. :)

i also came to a realization during my absence from blogging. i like knowing stuff. it makes me crazy when i do not... but once i find out what i want to know - happy as a clam. communication is a tricky thing. and even i'm getting tired of blogging about it, but it really is about perception. if i say the word "chair" an image comes to your mind and to mine. i guarantee that while your chair and my chair will, in essence, have all the necessary qualities to be called "chair"... they will most likely look very different. that's the point of perception... i've thought of an old captain's chair and you've thought of a rocking chair. you don't know that i've thought of a captain's chair unless i tell you and i don't know you've thought of a rocking chair unless you tell me. we all live on the same world, breath the same air... why don't we learn how to communicate/relate better than we do? we all have our reasons. mine is that i'm scared most of the time about it. but i have to get over that, just as we should all get over our reasons.

i go to confession at my church. not very often, but i do. one thing my priest told me before i made my first confession (as i was scared to do so) is that having sat for confessions for the last 30-odd years, there is one thing that he has found in common: it's all the same shit (yes, he used that word). he went on to say that if people just realized that what they do isn't that different from what others do, it'd be a lot easier to share.

i don't mean to completely liken relating to one another to confessing... but i think it is similar. i'm always scared to share, but i think that if i just realize that there's a lot more the same between me and whoever... it'd be easier.

life is too short to be scared all the time.

on my death bed, i think i'd like to look back and see that i was willing to share myself with others even if it was difficult and painful to do so... rather than look back and be "satisfied" that i protected myself all the time and went through life not making any deep connection with others.

what keeps you?

ssdd,
levi

got no feel, i got no rhythm... i just keep losing my beat

2010-12-01T15:44:00.001-06:00

note: i know this is vague, but... not everybody needs to know exactly what past event i'm talking about to understand what i'm trying convey.

i know i've written on this before, but i rarely say that i have regrets. very, very few things i would go back and change about what's happened or what i've done. but most of those are with the idea that i would know then what i know now and that seems rather short-sighted. yes, hindsight is 20/20. and i often say that i am fine with past mistakes and happenings because without them i would not be where i am right now... and overall, i like where i am... mostly.

but there is something i would go back and change. whole-heartedly i say that i would.

sometimes something that has happened can have such a restricting and deafening effect. it colors everything similarly occurring or related based on it. i know rather well all of the psychological conversations on perception, faulty processing and blah blah blah. but, really, my perception is my reality - faulty or not. sometimes past happenings raise the bar of expectations or lower it. what's fun is when a little bit of both happen.

i can't shake this one (well, maybe i won't and that's possible). it's become a reference point for many things and that's disheartening.

it's as if i was waiting for traffic to end to make a left turn, made the left turn when i didn't see any traffic... but got hit by another car. and now, i'm scared to make left turns. and it's as if when i went to China, ate authentic Chinese food and didn't want to eat at Chinese restaurants when i got back to the States.

i'm sure that last part was more than confusing.

all this to say, given the chance... i would go back and do it differently. while i like where i am overall, i don't like being at this particular place within that. and i don't like that i don't like it.

ssdd,
levi

And I try and I try and I try

But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe

(you are the only thing in any room you're ever in)

2010-11-25T21:48:00.001-06:00

caution: cliché and sappy thanksgiving post ahead.

today is especially wonderful.

i got to spend time with my family. i got to spend time with my gorgeous nieces.
i want to talk about what i am thankful for because i rarely do so publicly; not on purpose, but only because i'm inordinately internal.

although, i guess i should correct what i just said because i do not want to talk about what i am thankful for, but who i am thankful for:
(Herman), (Lucile), (Albert Sr.), (Ruby), Albert Jr., Cherri, James, Malinda, Lexi, Jesse, Leslie, Allie, Trent, Vanessa, Sheila, Ryan, Matthew, Brenda, Duane, Les, Jami, Daisy, Scott, Charla C, Brittany W, Michael and Paul, Kamesha H, Brandt E, Cathy C, Chris M, Deb C, Ellie W, Eric and Sherrill M, Heather S, Paul and Jill M, Dwight and Jean, Mike and Emily C, Jordan and Meredith B, Jennifer L, Christopher C, Jessica H, Jordan F, Kristen B, Kristin P, Matt L, Megan B, Andrew and Alyse F, Katie C and Deilia and Elie (my two dogs!).

i wish i could list everyone...

all of the people in my life are amazing... and frustrating. but that's life and relationships. i'm thankful for each person. i consider it a good week when anyone i am close to and i have not killed each other.

in response to a question about what it means to be married, my priest said, "to be able to live with each other and not kill each other." i think that applies to any close relationship between any two people. being close with anyone, family or friend, is hard. it takes work. being friends isn't easy. being family isn't easy. well, sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't. i'm thankful it's difficult sometimes. otherwise, if life and relationships were all sunshine, pancakes and lollipops then it wouldn't be as meaningful.

so, here's to another week of not killing each other...
the world would not be what it is without you.
i love you all.

ssdd,
levi

i'll never know what you have shown to other eyes...

2010-11-18T17:42:00.005-06:00

surprise! both of my papers have been turned in and i'm awaiting for my 6:00 PM class to begin and i have just enough time to type out a little something.

my brain is officially fried, so i'll be entertaining you with some song lyrics from an artist that is very near to my heart. i say that because this song expresses perfectly how i've been feeling for the past four months.
______________________________________________________________________

Go or Go Ahead
by Rufus Wainwright

Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but
What has happened to love

Got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evenings looking at stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
What has happened to love

So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fair-grounds and rebel angels
Can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Heaven's invention, steel eyed vampires of love

You see over me,
I'll never know what you've shown to other eyes

(Chorus)
Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me

No Where’s now here smelling of junipers
Fell off the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But oh Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic powers of love

Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying

Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
And surprise me

Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
And just try me

______________________________________________________________________
sometimes my thoughts are completely in music... this is one of those times.

ssdd,
levi

dynamite with a laser beam... guaranteed to blow your mind (anytime)

2010-11-11T21:39:00.002-06:00

well, next week is a KILLER for me at school and there will not be a post :(.

so i'm going to have this quick update for this week with random thoughts:

- i saw last night a man drinking WHILE driving for the first time ever. i am well aware of drinking then driving but while driving?? i feel like this should be when Seth Meyers on SNL would say, "Really?!"

- a few weeks ago i came across what can best be described as a moped (as opposed to biker) gang. they were sitting at a red light revving their engines and everything. and except for wearing leather jackets and boots they were wearing fashionable scarfs and sensible loafers. no, i didn't make any of that up. it really happened.

- on the same day as i saw Hell's Vespas, i was at another stop light and saw this 4 or 5 year boy running around the front of a grocery store with a bucket on his head. he was running around screaming his head off and laughing in delight. after seeing this, i was more than jealous at his ability to be so easily entertained.

- by no means do i miss my last job... but i miss working. only a little bit though.

- earlier this week i spent approximately 1 entire hour on YouTube looking at videos of baby's laughing. few things in this life bring me complete happiness and this is one of them.

- even though "be careful what you wish for" has been over-used... it's true.

- i'm addicted to movies. there, i said it. i really am though. there's only one genre of movies that i refuse to watch (romance/romantic comedies)... other than that, it's fair game.

- i think that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of the funniest shows in the history of time: "You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out."

- while i used to have some rosy thoughts about daylight savings time, i don't like it anymore. i want more daylight.

- and some wisdom to close things out:

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. - George Bernard Shaw

In every human being you encounter, there will be far more to celebrate than to denigrate. - Elie Wiesel

ssdd,
levi

"just take the path to Nothing, and go Nowhere until you reach it"

2010-11-06T21:28:00.002-06:00

well, i felt badly for writing a post that was not for everyone to read so, imma gonna post another one for everyone.

i was going through some old things today in my humble apartment and ran across an old journal of mine. it was from when i was in high school. it was... almost embarrassing to read it. most of my entries written in that journal back then were, well, just plain embarrassing. but i came across one entry that in the midst of my youthful angst was this quote:

"I have always thought the actions of a man to be the best interpreter of his thoughts."

in the entry i did not write down who said this, but google.com tells me that it was spoken by John Locke. i don't remember where i came across this quote in high school; nor do i remember ever reading John Locke in high school at any length or depth. but, there the quote sits in my journal.

i have to say though, i love this quote. once in university, i got into a "discussion" about the essence of who a person is. my friend, and for the sake of keeping the "innocent" anonymous i'll not mention a name, said that he firmly believed that our actions defined who we are. he gave the example of crimes committed... a person who steals things is a stealer, a person who kills is a murderer, etc. likewise, he opined that a person who performs music is a musician.

this feels a bit like the old paradox of which came first the chicken or the egg, but i think he's a bit correct and a bit incorrect.

what we do is a reflection of what we think and who we are. do our actions have an effect on how we think? i think so. well, maybe a better answer on my part is: i hope they do. but do they have an effect so far as to say that they define us? i hope not. after all, we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. and we are not the sum of our parts, as far as i am concerned. but i digress... back to the quote.

i think/believe that our actions are a direct reflection of our thoughts: good, bad, beautiful, ugly.

and i'm gonna tie this in with last weeks post because that topic is still on my mind. i also think that our actions show what we want. i know that circumstance can play as big a part as our thoughts when it comes to actions.

i keep mentioning things a lot of other people say, but "the ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit" according to W. Somerset Maugham...

when i went to university my sister wrote me a letter giving me advice about things she had learned during her undergrad. towards the end she wrote that, and this is a paraphrase, people show who they are in the every day things that they do... in how they speak, how they dress, how they brush their teeth, how they walk, etc. i think that overall, our actions show others (and ourselves for that matter) who we really are. i also think that this is an incomplete picture, but it is a glimpse nonetheless.

every day, every interaction and every action is a chance to see who someone is. every day others show us who they are. not in whole, but in part.

any time spent with someone, any text message, any phone call, any conversation, any hug, any kiss, any handshake, ad nauseum is an opportunity. only two things can interrupt these opportunities: not spending time with people or not paying attention. we each have control over both.

so... pay attention.

ssdd,
levi

put the light back in my eyes

2010-11-05T19:37:00.001-06:00

follow the link for this particular post and use the password provided:

http://exclusivealternatives.wordpress.com/

i swam across, i jumped across for you

2010-10-26T20:52:00.002-06:00

well, on October 24 alone i had 30 pageviews. i've either become very popular, have a stalker or have been a victim of spam.

anyways, this week's topic is a glimpse into how i operate. and before sharing with the group i have a few provisos:

1) i mean to define "is" as "in more cases/instances than not"... even though people made fun of Bill Clinton for doing so, defining "is"... is important.

2) this post will sound really self-centered, but read through all of it before you make a judgement about it.

3) keep in mind that i don't always operate this way, but that it is a striving of mine to do so.

4) i know that a lot of this could be dumped into a "semantics" problem... but if no one knows how someone defines a word that they use, how will we know what they really mean.

if i ever do anything it is always tied to a want or desire to do it. in other words, i don't do anything i don't want to do. i've thought about this a lot in contrast to saying "i need to _______." a lot of people use the word "need" when they really mean to use "want." i think the same is true of "have to." something my high school psychology teacher said was that we did not have to come to class. several students in the class chimed in with, "uhh, yeah we do." she explained that we physically do not have to come to class. when people say that they need i think it is (in more instances than not) directly tied to a want.

exempli gratia, take going to the grocery store: I need to go to the store [to buy things to eat].
- why?
because i need to eat.
- why?
so, i can live, if i don't eat, i'll die.
so, you want to live... therefore you eat.

yes, staying alive is important and in order to prevent yourself from dying of hunger you need (id est: it is a requirement) to eat... but that need is directly tied to not dying and you wanting to not die from hunger is not.

i know this example sounds rather elementary, but it was only to show what i mean. what becomes more complicated is when it involves friends or family... or something equally as important. i've been thinking about need vs. want for a very, very long time and by no means do i use it every time. i think this is important because whenever i do something (spend time with someone, text someone, spend time with someone, say something to someone, pay for a meal at a restaurant for a friend, listen to someone talk about what's bothering them, going to class, obeying the speed limit) it's because i want to do it... because i have a desire to do that thing. on the flip side, for example, i don't want to do something for someone if i don't mean it. i think doing things that way (actions without desire) turns any gesture or action into something cheap and hollow.

for me, it was important to find the connection for what i viewed as a "need" to something that i "want." it was important to search my own thoughts to figure out what was going on. i don't want to do anything that is empty, but i don't have to and i don't need to. as i'm so fond of saying, the only things that i have to do are be white and die.

i'd rather be 100% behind what i'm doing than any other percent.

so, hopefully, whenever i'm doing something... it's because i want to do it.

i also don't want you to think too harshly about me after reading this J

ssdd,
levi

do not let the past remind us of what we are not now

2010-10-20T13:06:00.000-06:00

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging..."

- Chris McCandless

that quote is from a book called Into the Wild by John Krakauer who wrote about Chris McCandless leaving his life and going on a journey across wilderness, among other places. his story was turned into a movie starring Emile Hirsch.

i like this quote a lot and it has been on my mind lately.

in more situations that not, change in a life occurs when an individual causes the change. there's an illustration, or i guess it could be called a parable, that my sister told me about once:

Jim prayed every day to God that he would win the lottery. Every single day without fail, he prayed that he would win the lottery. Even into his old age, he prayed for a win. Once he died and went to heaven, he stood before God he asked, "God, I prayed to you every day of my life to win the lottery and did not answer my prayer! Was I not faithful enough? Should I have prayed more for it?" And God simply replied, "Well, Jim, you could have at least bought a lottery ticket."

before us each day is a chance to change... and i don't mean a change for happiness, necessarily but a change for the better.

it takes courage to go after what is wanted. but it takes even more courage to after what is needed.

so, i say to myself: how do you expect your life to change unless you change?

ssdd,

levi

small update

2010-10-15T18:14:00.001-06:00

well, this week was crazy for me at school with a big paper due and a mid term test... sorry (to my 2 - 3 readers).

i don't have too much to write about this week though... my thoughts are in many places.

sometimes you just have to keep going and things will get better. one of my friends in college had a poster in his dorm that had the words "Keep on truckin'" on it and those words seem to be overly appropriate for me.

new commitments keep me going sometimes.
people keep me going all-times.

i need a little bit of both right now.

ssdd,
levi

and i lost my head... and thought of all the stupid things i'd said

2010-10-06T23:04:00.001-06:00

the last year of my life has had a lot, and i mean a lot, of endings. some beginnings, a few middles... but mostly endings.

as you can imagine, endings are always difficult for me. and no, i'm not talking about ending facebook.

i hate endings. hate. changing something - that i can deal with well eventually. but endings always take longer.
endings that i have a hand or say in and endings that i do not have a say in are practically the same in terms of emotions.

i know that i wrote about this last time, but i have to hear it again: life is short. really short. death (of a person or of whatever) can come when you least expect it, let alone when you least want it. it's funny to me that people use "lifetime" as a measure of something that lasts a long time. the reality is that a lifetime is a drop in the ocean. i don't mean to imply that a lifetime is unimportant or menial. a lifetime being short is, in my opinion, part of what makes it valuable.

i know, i know... i repeat myself. we all have a short time together. every day is important. all we get is today. and sometimes we don't even get all of that. sometimes it can all come to a crashing hault.

today is here. and it's the only thing that is.

ssdd,
levi

a repeat and an echo

2010-09-29T17:12:00.002-06:00

i have two stories to share. one is a story about my father that i have shared before and the second is something that my father wrote.

the only reason i'm sharing them is because i need to hear them. and really that is the only reason i write anything on here... so i can externalize something that i've been internalizing.

the story is also posted on my November 15, 2007 post, but i'll put here to make thinks easier:

i was a junior in high school (2001-2002).
the class was Algebra II.
the assignment was to interview someone who had a job that involved mathematics.
i interviewed my dad, a lawyer.

we were given a set of questions to ask. the last of which was, "What is the most difficult part of your job?"

my dad's answer has stuck with me to this day and has grossly shaped how i handle any situation that involves other people:
"The hardest part of my job is convincing my clients that there is another side to the story."

i went on to write:

in other words, no matter what the situation, the circumstance, the person... what you see or perceive may not be all there is.

we all, at some point, have to come to terms with the idea that our perception of how-things-are could be, and probably is, an incomplete perception. well, i guess we don't have to. but, we should.

sometimes when i have been hurt it is very difficult to even want to see things from the other person's perspective. i don't have the full picture, and neither does anyone else. this somewhat ties in with my post last time about perception and perspectives. the catch here is that for me, it's not always enough for me to remember that others will have a different side of their story... for me i always want to know what that side is.

now, the something that my father wrote. my brother, Jamie, posted this as a note on his Facebook and it struck me rather deeply. and i promise that i'll tie this in with the beginning of this post... keep with me:

I remember when Jamie was a little kid and we would go the the store. Jamie would insist upon putting money into the gumball machines in order to obtain some trinket that he HAD to have. Once I dug out my pocket the necessary change for my son to obtain his “treasure”, he would rush up and spend said money. More often than not, Jamie would be upset because the trinket or bauble he received was not what he wanted. Or, he would discard or forget about his treasure that he HAD to have within a short amount of time.

Many times, we spend our days in the same manner. We wake up, take the kids to school, go to work, go to the store, etc. and “spend” our time in pursuit of our daily “treasure” that we absolutely HAVE to have. At the end of the day, not happy with our trinket or discarding it as trash shortly thereafter.

Each day is like that dime Jamie would spend in the gumball machines. Do not waste your dime, because once you spend your dime, its gone. Treasure each item each day gives you, whether it’s a gumball that is juicy and fruity for only a short time or some sparkly ring that shines only for a day. At least it if tasty or shiny for a day. The machine could give you a pile a crap, or cancer, or shoot your best friend on the side of the road. Do not forget to cherish those small joys in life.

(for those of you who don't appreciate cursing, get ready)

life is too fucking short. it really is. there is so much out there that we don't experience because we spend our days going after bullshit that doesn't matter. i use the word bullshit because that's how valuable that stuff is compared to what we could experience. now, i'm not saying that life won't have its share of bad times or relationships. what i am saying is that we choose shitty things over beautiful things. i choose shitty things over beautiful things.

losing what we love (ie: friends, co-workers) to whatever puts things into perspective for me. i'm tired of arguing with life over what i want to be beautiful when really it is shit. plain ol' shit.

jar of hearts

2010-09-21T20:31:00.000-06:00

well, i would first like to extend a gracious "thank you" to the wonderful persons who brought my page views from zero up to 78! any traffic is good traffic :) also, i find it funny that i have hits from Canada, Russia, Germany, Taiwan, Latvia and Nigeria... oh, and from South Korea (but i know who that is).

this past week has been.... a roller coaster ride, to say the least. very emotional times with losing some things (read: people) that cannot be replaced. it reminded me that each person's perspective is that person's reality. my perspective is my reality. your perspective is your reality. the important part comes in remembering (which i had to force myself to remember this) to not mistake the limits of your perception as the limits of the world.

that being said, i want to talk about something slightly political. and i may piss off a few people... but please remember that i mean no harm.

today, the Senate voted down an attempt to bring DADT into debate. GLBT/LGBT issues are on the forefront of a lot of discussions. the fact it is an election year is probably to "blame," but it is important.

i want to start with a lot of caveats because i don't want anyone to mistake what (or how) i say for what it is not. and i also don't want anyone to think that by disagreeing with what they've said is, by any means, me disagreeing with the key issue.

- i believe that DADT should be repealed
- i'm not a democrat
- i'm not a republican
- i don't hate the US military, i support it
- i believe that everyone has the right to have a belief and to express it

ok. here we go.

i understand why it is upsetting that the Senate voted this down. GLBT/LGBT persons are, on a daily basis, discriminated against. sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes in big ways. but it is still discrimination. i get rather perturbed and rather often whenever there's a news story that comes up and there are comments like "I can't believe that with one stroke of a pen, this judge is going against a majority vote of the state!!" and like "It's about time! The Republican'ts are trying to bring us back the 1950s." i find issue with the thoughts behind both of these comments.

i firmly advocate that the existence of any one right of any one person should not be decided by a majority vote. (i'll go ahead and connect the dots) if that were so, then minorities would have no rights. in my 8th grade civics class, my teacher taught us something that i think has been lost: the majority vote decides what America does, but it should never be at the cost of the minority.

now, here's the clincher: i have no issues with the Senate voting against bringing up the debate on DADT today. (don't get angry yet...) i think we need to be patient. yes, there are many serving in the military right this moment that are GLBT/LGBT that have to hide who they are and there are those who have been kicked out, "dishonorably" so, because their sexual identity came to be known. i'm in favor of waiting for the survey that has been sent out to those actually serving in the military. the people it will directly effect, and not just the GLBT persons, has to be considered. if this is done too quickly and without much planning and without much careful thought, it could be disastrous. for everybody. we have to be in this together, or it won't work. i'm not saying that if we should wait, think carefully and have exact planning that it will absolutely go right. but, i'd rather caution on the side of preparedness.

yes, GLBT/LGBT persons are being treated as de facto second class. but, we are not the only ones that will be effected by this. Lady Gaga, of whom musically i am not a fan, said that the new law should be "If you don't like it, go home." to me, this is nearly as bad as sending home gays from the military. if someone believes that being gay is wrong... they have every right to believe it. but they should not receive the same treatment as gays in the military now get.

so, this is turning into a much longer post that i anticipated. so, i'll go ahead and give a conclusion.

we need to be patient. but we also need to be consistent in our response to DADT. every person matters and every person in the military will be effected by this. not just the heterosexuals. not just the homosexuals. everyone. it is not going to be easy if and when DADT is repealed... but we can work with each other to make sure it goes easier. now i'll bring in my tie-in from the beginning of my post. perspectives matter. and i'm saying this more to myself because i need to hear it right now more than ever: don't mistake the limits your perspective as the limits of the world (or of other people).

levi

out (and about)

2010-09-12T19:16:00.002-06:00

well, since it's been approximately two full years since i've written a blog post, you may have to forgive me if i'm a bit rusty. and this one will be a bit heavy, at least for me. the subject matter is something that i have never discussed publicly... ever.

i'm writing about this now because i've told the people in my life that i have wanted to tell.

one of the most important dates in my life is October 9, 2007. it was a long struggle to get to that day. i was overly depressed and had been crying on and off all day. this was also a time when i wrote profusely. so, late at night, i started writing. i didn't even know what i was really writing about -- i just started writing. once my thoughts had run their course on the page, the truth came out. i even this it was written on the paper before the thought even really entered my mind:
"i am gay" is what i wrote. and that was that. i didn't tell anyone for a while.

i am gay. and i'm proud of it. and it took me a long time to be able to write that second sentence and mean it. from coming out to myself to today has been quite a journey as well. even though i had admitted to myself i was gay, i did not accept it. but that came later... i was sitting with someone the following Spring and was talking with them about being gay. they asked me, "are you disappointed that you're gay?" my answer was "no," but what surprised me was that i answered without hesitation.

i also think that this is an ongoing process. coming out ever day and accepting it every day. not knowing what the hell is going on with you and then subsequently hiding it once you've figured it out for several years is horrific and it takes a lot of time to heal from that.

for one Christmas, my sister -- after i had come out to her -- gave me a book about coming out. among the few things that stuck with me after reading the book, one of them makes so much sense now being on the other side of coming out completely: the pain of coming out never outweighs the pain of staying in the closet.

October 9, 2010 will mark three years. it took three long years to finish the entire process of coming out for me. but, the ability to be who you are... is wonderful.

back in full force...

2010-09-10T20:37:00.003-06:00

now that i have time to have a life (and now that i have a computer of my own), i've decided to start blogging again. even if no one reads it... i'll still post.

i'm excited about this because i take joy in writing. and there's a lot to write about now.

now, i should be in bed...

2008-09-16T23:43:00.004-06:00

but, what's a late night between friends?

this weather we're having here in Dallas, Texas has somehow awoken -- and to be completely honest, i'm not sure that's a word -- inside of me certain feelings. largely feelings of nostalgia, loneliness, and, as an added bonus, a touch of hopelessness.

this lovely, mid- to high-70 degree weather coupled with ample clear skies, ignites deep within me a strong, overbearing desire to be outside. however, to be outside with someone who is special to me. now, before you get your mind up and running thinking that i have a particular person in mind, i will tell you to not let that thought keep going; i have no one person in mind. this feeling is a rather ambiguous and general one. it is just a raw emotion to be outside, enjoying this weather with a significant other.

now, this is where Loneliness rears its ugly and unwelcome head... menacing me with its disdainful whispers and dire need for company. i feel this great need to be in the presence of someone who would make my heart beat faster, but, as it is obvious, i have not in this area. i am well aware of the statements many of you would -- and have -- made about me finding someone like this. you may save them for the next pity party i have scheduled for next Thursday.

and, Loneliness, after he has all but settled into the spare bedroom of my mind, he is lonely and calls his friend Hopelessness. but, that is neither here nor there; and i digress.

The sun is out,
The sky is blue.
It's beautiful;
and so are you.

purpose

2008-09-05T09:22:00.005-06:00

last night, i watched part of an episode of Planet Earth. it was an episode about caves. the portion i saw was concerning caves that are completely filled with water and flow out into the sea. in this particular cave there were, of course, many creatures living. it was probably the Sullen Sally or Pragmatic Patrick inside of me that then asked this question of the creatures which live in these caves: what is their purpose?

what is their purpose? they live in this cave their entire life. they either die of natural causes or get preyed upon by the next creature up in the food chain. most, if not all, live and die in those caves. now, i could buy into some "ecosystem" argument if argued well enough, but... really, what is their purpose? they live, eat, swim, and die. this is their existence. no emotions. no thought. no love.

like some fat loser, and like i was watching some stupid human interest piece about a kitten with no hind legs... i started feeling a connection between me and these damn fish. well, firstly, i started projecting my own feelings of purposelessness (and i'm certain that one's not a word) upon these fish. then i started to identify with how i saw their existence.

but they are not without purpose. even if no one ever discovered that they existed... they have a purpose. i offer to you zero proof to back up this belief. this is where i tell Pragmatic Patrick to get off. purpose is not founded upon such cut and dry definitions of what is able to be offered -- and seen as "useful" -- by that one thing or being to the rest of existence. an efficiency and task driven existence allows for little else.

there used to be a Steak and Shake commercial about their hand spun milkshakes. the cute little number they had pretending be one of their waitresses said (warning, not a verbatim quote), "People often ask us why we hand spin our milkshakes instead of doing it faster like the other guys. Our response is: when was the last time you tasted a shake and said, 'Mmmm. That tastes... efficient.' "

yesterday's anthem

2008-08-17T16:13:00.004-06:00

I used to rule the world.
Seas would rise when I gave the word.
Now in the morning I sleep alone,
Sweep the streets I used to own.

I used to roll the dice,
Feel the fear in my enemies eyes.
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key;
Next the walls were closed on me.
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand.

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing,
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing.
Be my mirror, my sword, and shield,
My missionaries in a foreign field.

For some reason I can't explain,
Once you know there was never, never an honest word.
That was when I ruled the world.

It was the wicked and wild wind,
Blew down the doors to let me in,
Shattered windows and the sound of drums.
People couldn't believe what I'd become.

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate.
Just a puppet on a lonely string.
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing,
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing.
Be my mirror, my sword, and shield,
My missionaries in a foreign field.

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name.

Never an honest word.
And that was when I ruled the world.

when i find a song that truly hits me... it's like i've met a new best friend. when i'm listening to a different song on the album, i miss that song. i wonder why these other songs aren't like my new best-friend-song. i'll readily admit that, on average, i'll listen to this new song 15 times in one sitting. now, that i've introduced you to one of my rather intimate details... i'll give you my permission to call me "strange" and explain why i'm writing about this particular song i've provided the lyrics for above. this song, for some reason, hit me a little harder than normal.

i realize that Mr. Martin probably intended this song to be about Mr. Bush or Mr. Blair, as it is said on the street. but, it means something different to me. and i believe that music has the innate ability to be elastic.

this song could be sung by me and i would mean every single word. now, i know i never really "ruled the world." but in my own little existence of life, i definitely ruled my own world. now, some of you readers will think, "well, of course, you did. you are your own person." well, i kindly ask that you humor me.

six years ago, i was completely and utterly sure of everything i believed. everything. i knew exactly what i was supposed to do. i knew exactly what i wanted. i knew how to get what i wanted. and i was fucking miserable. today, i am completely and utterly unsure of so many things in my life. i have no idea what i am supposed to do. i don't know what the hell i want or how to even imagine about getting it. and i am content. i lived in castles, but living on the proverbial street is so much more fulfilling than any castle built on pillars of salt and sand. i shared this with my sister this past week, and her response was agreeable, "Brother, that's life."

i was so concerned with being in charge.
so concerned with knowing, that i lost sight of everything; ironically enough, even of myself -- the one thing that i "had" control of.

i will not say that i have completely found myself, because i hope that there is more to me than this. but i will say that i have found more of myself. i realize that sometimes definitions hinder understandings... and that "control" can have many connotations. when i write this next part i am not-- nor was i in any of the previous parts -- referring to self-control; that is a different concept:

i have realized that i cannot be controlled by my own person. and this is so freeing. relinquishing control over something so uncontrollable -- and handing it over to Someone who is able and has been courting me for it -- is liberatingly wonderful.

it's awe-full and scary and comforting that He has said, "you can't hide from Me."

sheesh, this was a long one.

direct quote

2008-08-14T07:47:00.002-06:00

from my profile:
"i am often frustrating, simply because i do not know what i want."

ugh.
tell me about it.

The Animals

2008-08-03T21:58:00.002-06:00

Henry David Thoreau calls to me in my dreams.
or maybe, perhaps, Walden does.

wilderness.
quietude.
nature.

i am so over Dallas.

we gotta get out of this place... if it's the last thing we ever do.

a poem

2008-08-02T23:37:00.004-06:00

from a foreign move i watched last year:

Stay by my side as my light grows dim
as my blood slows down and my nerves
shudder with stabbing pain,
as my heart grows weak and the wheels
of my being turn slowly.

Stay by my side as my fragile body
is racked by pain which verges on truth,
and manic time continues scattering dust
and furious life bursts out in flames.

Stay by my side as I fade so you can
point to the end of my struggle,
and the twilight of eternal days
at the low, dark edge of life.

wednesday...

2008-07-30T11:45:00.005-06:00

here recently, i've been trying to get my head around a couple of things. i struggle a lot with self-image and how i view myself. i know that "everybody struggles with their own image." i know that it's normal. but, i need to write about it.

i don't really know how to write this without sounding like a complete loser... oh well:
i get lonely very easily. when i get lonely, i close off others. and all of this turns into a wonderful cycle of depression & desperation.

i put up an "i'm alright" front, but, more than anything, i'm waiting for someone to be able to break through that front & see me.

days like these

2008-07-24T07:28:00.002-06:00

re·gret
–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth. –noun
3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

under normal circumstances, i rarely say that i have any serious regrets. in fact, i believe that i have only two regrets to speak of. an addition to this list is difficult for me to admit; for obvious reasons. i work hard to appreciate my regrets as i would not be exactly where i am without them... they, no matter how hard i would like for them to not, are a part of me and will forever be a part of my past. but, as i said, without them, i would not be at this place, at this moment in time... and there is truly no where else i'd love to be.

today is a day when i add to my list of regrets. number 3. though, right now, i'm sure i could be convinced to treat this one as number 3 through 10. but i'm sure i'll get over that notion in a few days. my impatience costs me so much.

this will be the last time.
so help me God.

where i am; where am i

2008-06-02T20:01:00.002-06:00

life is so much more beautiful and so much more horrifying than i thought.

It's a long way from Miami to LA
It's a longer way from yesterday
To where I am today

i don't know where i'll end up, but the at least the journey there will be worth it.

May 1st

2008-05-01T10:58:00.002-06:00

Today is a day of remembrance. It is the day we look back to those dreadful years of the rule of a truly disturbed man and at the lives he took.

We remember those who were burned alive, shot, starved, worked to death, froze to death. Those who were raped and beaten. Those who were mutilated and whose bodies became playgrounds for the doctors of the Nazi Regime. Those whose lives were taken because of their ancestry, their beliefs, their mental and physical capacity, and who they loved.

6,000,000+ Jews
5,000,000+ Christians
1,800,000-2,000,000 Ethnic Poles
220,000-500,000 Roma
200,000-500,000 Disabled
80,000-200,000 Freemasons
5,000-15,000 Gay Men
2,500-5,000 Jehovah's Witnesses

We remember you. We celebrate the lives you lived and grieve the deaths you were given.

May we never forget.
And God help us if we ever do.

i'll come back soon...

2008-04-08T11:23:00.001-06:00

i promise.

definition

2008-01-25T09:27:00.000-06:00

over sherry and scotch what-seems-like a yom ago, i was given a request. and in my difficult effort to be a man of my word:

i do not know how i should define a concept, let alone a word, whose facets are many. at least, they have been made many -- making it difficult to assign one encompassing definition. furthermore, its importance, perceived or actual, puts a little extra pressure upon the shoulders of any human truly grappling with it.

can you know what something is before defining it? or is existence predicated only by -- or after -- definition? damn it. i don't know. it was not long before despair and melancholy came into my mind after pondering on such a traditionally joy-inspiring topic.

beauty.

what is beauty? what is it that is in an object... or person... or event... or whatever... (ad nauseum) that is capable of being beautiful? or does that question imply a disparity where there is none?

can it be as Tolstoy says: that beauty and goodness are not always in kissing distance?

or like what Confucius claims, 'Everything has beauty...'?

or can it be that, truly, beauty only exists in the subjective realm? [shudders at the thought]

at the risk of being a complete and utter dork, i feel like the council that was called to decide the fate of The One Ring in The Fellowship of the Ring when Lord Elrond says, "The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any weapon we here possess."

"beau·ty, [byoo-tee], noun, the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest). "

'technical' has never really done it for me.

in spite of the quality, or position, that i lack as a Definer of Things, here's what i mean when i use beauty, or any of its forms:

"beau·ty, [byoo-tee], noun, a quality in a person, thing or event which inspires awe."

but, then again, the only reason i can even contemplate such things with any certainty is because i have met Beauty Itself.

God bless...

2008-01-17T10:36:00.000-06:00

America?

if we truly were the God-blessed nation many Americans say that we are, we wouldn't keep saying 'God bless America'... we would be asking God to bless other nations.

forced

2008-01-11T15:57:00.001-06:00

i've been backed into a corner.
both ways out make me sick.

i'm not as brave as you think i am.

self-loathing

2008-01-10T14:00:00.000-06:00

i said to myself a few weeks ago:

"you're a creation of the Master of the Universe. start acting like it."

oddly enough, i responded.

"ok."

a soap box

2007-11-22T21:13:00.000-06:00

firstly, i apologize... if you happen to be one of the six or seven people who reads my site on any kind of basis, it may seem that i talk a little much about politics and the Church. however, it's a tender wound on my soul and i therefore feel compelled to comment on a few current happenings.

recently, in DC, there was a Values Voters Summit (about which i already have reservations, but that's for another time) which was scheduled by the Family Research Council. at this summit, there was a debate between Jim Wallis and Richard Land about the influence the Christian faith should have on public policy. Jim Wallis is often called 'progressive' and Richard Land is often called Conservative, but he's really a Fundamentalist.

i realize that much of what i say may be a direct result of disagreement upon semantics. yet, words are, largely, the basis upon which we think or believe. words shape our lives in ways that all of us will probably never fully realize or appreciate.

i digress...

i believe that should 'influencing public policy' become a focus of faith it easily becomes the focus of faith. all too easily. many think, "if only we had someone in office that was a Christian. then we wouldn't have so much sin in our country/we could be a Godly country." i struggle to believe that God is concerned with sin in our country. He's concerned with sin in humanity. i firmly believe that Believers should stop caring so much about America and start caring about people.

Richard Land believes the exact opposite of me when it comes to politics and faith. Richard Land believes that the end of 'more poverty' can be achieved "if [single] mothers would marry the fathers of their children." that's a verbatim quote. he also believes that the United States military is responsible for all freedom on this entire globe; whatever its form and wherever its location. he goes further to say that anywhere there is dignity in being a human, one need only thank the United States military and their courage. he also believes that God has a "special claim" on America, falling short of calling America God's chosen nation.

i am not an American Christian. i used to be. but, i never will be again. i am a believer in Christ who happens to have residence in America.

public policy and civil authority cannot be a focus of ours...

Christ will be Lord no matter who gets elected, no matter what legislation is passed, no matter which justice is confirmed into the Supreme Court, even if a Democrat gets elected, even if a Republican gets elected, even if they say students can't celebrate Christmas parties in public schools, even if judges aren't allowed to post the Decalogue in their court rooms, even if they drag us into the streets and kill us for believing and living that Christ is Lord.

nothing in could happen in or to our government that will ever change that... whether it be 'against' Christianity or 'for' it. we cannot make Christ more Lord by being a Godly nation.

slightly angered post

2007-11-15T16:33:00.000-06:00

i was a junior in high school (2001-2002).
the class was Algebra II.
the assignment was to interview someone who had a job that involved mathematics.
i interviewed my dad, a lawyer.

we were given a set of questions to ask. the last of which was, "What is the most difficult part of your job?"

my dad's answer has stuck with me to this day and has grossly shaped how i handle any situation that involves other people:
"The hardest part of my job is convincing my clients that there is another side to the story."

in other words, no matter what the situation, the circumstance, the person... what you see or perceive may not be all there is.

we all, at some point, have to come to terms with the idea that our perception of how-things-are could be, and probably is, an incomplete perception. well, i guess we don't have to. but, we should.

now, some of you might be wondering what this has to do with the title of my post. some of you will know and some will not, simply because of how much of myself i've let you come to know... but some people really grind my gears... mainly rude fundamentalists ('rude' is rather operative there... i do know civil fundamentalists).

disagreement is not where my qualm lies.

self-righteous indignation is. i've made posts about entitlement before [on my xanga], so i won't suffer you to bear my repetition.

a quote to close with:

"Do not take the limits of your own vision as the limits of the world."
-Ryan Porter

i know, i know...

2007-10-23T15:01:00.000-06:00

i have been neglectful.

please accept my apologies.

i wish i had some sort of deep, meaningful and inspiring message to make up for my absence.
but alas, i do not.

well, maybe:

"i don't know" seems to be showing up more and more and more and more. and more. i am uncertain if i am able to stress that to any degree of satisfaction.

there is so much we do not see and so much that we do not comprehend that it is, at times, overwhelming -- difficult-to-breath overwhelming.

the universe is so much more expansive than the limits of our own vision.
maybe it is time to start acting as though that is the case.

a sick sense of humor

2007-10-05T09:47:00.000-06:00

hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, noun, the fear of long words.

let that ruminate for a moment in your mind.
though i doubt the existence of this phobia, think of the of the cruel nature of the person who came up with this word.

patting myself on the back

2007-09-12T12:08:00.000-06:00

January 3, 2007 - September 12, 2007

it was in this period of time that i lost a total 50 pounds.
i am 15.6% less of what i used to be.

i believe a 'congrats' or two is in order...

Separation

2007-08-30T11:36:00.000-06:00

of late, my policy on making comments or stating my opinion about my stance on government and God has been to refrain. however, i consider something as general as Separation of Church and State to be important enough to render comment.

here in Texas, there is couple (who has children in the Texas public school system) who has filed suit against various state officials for the addition and use of the phrase 'Under God' in the Texas flag pledge and the required presence of the American pledge and the moment of silence each morning in Texas schools. Texas added the 'Under God' phrase to the Texas flag pledge citing consistency with the American flag pledge being their goal.

i must say: i applaud this couple. of the Bible Belt in America, Texas may not be the buckle, but it is at least the over-grown pot-luck supper belly of it.

in the Dallas Morning News article on this very story, the Texas state solicitor general Ted Cruz is quoted defending the pledges and moment of silence as saying, "In both the nation and the state there is a long tradition of acknowledging the role of the Almighty." i realise that our justice and law system is based largely upon precedent and that tradition is considered virtually sacred; however, if the law of Separation of Church and State is to be upheld -- the State can in no way entreat her citizens to believe anything religious in nature.

the will of the majority is honored, yes; but the rights and freedoms of the minority MUST be protected.

as Christians, we are not called to force upon anyone our ways or beliefs. Christ does not force belief or obedience upon us -- therefore, we should not force. many say we are a Christian nation -- founded upon Christian values. i would say in response that Israel expected a Messiah-King that would come to earth as a conqueror to depose the Roman government's control over the Jews. when Christ came as the Messiah he came on His terms offering freedom and abundant life. He did not come on their terms. our own expectations of who Christ is to us and to the world are those of ancient Israel. we want a Christ who will conquer by being strong and forceful. but that is not who He is. victory is gained through servanthood. Christ came to serve, and this should be our mark; not domination in government or arrogant superiority in belief. oppression for ANY reason is still oppression. as Lily Tomlin said, "The problem with winning a rat race is that, in the end, you're still a rat."

i understand that Christian parents wish for positive, Godly influence upon their children. then those parents should be that influence and stop expecting or requiring our government to fill that role. government is to be public... for all who live in the country -- religious belief is personal.

to the parents fighting against this injustice: good work. i'm behind you.

physical contact

2007-08-27T12:26:00.000-06:00

as children we were taught: "keep your hands to yourself." as in most things, we were admonished to abstain rather than to self-controlling moderation. i realise this rule is usually instituted to keep children from hitting or pestering each other. but, how does this lesson shape our relationships with others? why is it so awkward for grown up friends -- or even grown ups within families -- to stand physical contact?

when my niece was a toddler, she would always be sitting on a lap or holding a hand; she always wanted to be in physical contact with someone.

when i was a toddler -- this story comes via my mother -- and woke up in the middle of the night, as most toddlers do, i would call out for my mom or dad to stay with me until i fell back asleep. my mom said that i would always want to be held closely, to be in physical contact with whoever was there to put me back to sleep.

why do we discourage physical contact so much? is it so horrible? so many children and adults have so little contact with other people.

as the reader would suspect, i have a theory. and as it is such, any comments or complaints assuming its absolute accuracy will be ignored. furthermore, this is meant as a generality and will not concern specific instances:

our entertainment, our news, our literature, our conversations all link physical contact with sexual intimacy. and it seems that many people, adult or otherwise, link any physical contact past hand shakes, brief 'side-saddle' hugs, pats on the back, etc. as an indication of sexual attraction or more.

now, don't mistake my theory for naïvete about the very real presence of inappropriate contact between people. yet, because of those who make physical contact in order to harm or out of perverted desires a fear has developed among the well-intentioned: the fear of being mistaken -- which holds fear-striking consequences -- for someone with ulterior motives.

what are we so afraid of in having physical contact with those who are close to us? do we keep forbidding physical contact in the name of fear? in the name of social commandment? many adults are out in society longing for contact end up feeling like they are disgusting because no one will be close to them... many children wonder if something is wrong with them or if they have done something wrong... many teenagers are being taught that physical contact is only connected with sexual activity: all adding to the cycle which turns out destructive, perverted contact which turns out fear which turns out the absence of appropriate contact.

do we let the harmful ruin one of the most basic of human interaction?
or do we reclaim it?

a CNN poll found that

2007-08-22T07:06:00.000-06:00

one in four adult Americans read ZERO books last year.

this hurts my soul.

deeply.

Dear Dallas Driver,

2007-08-14T07:16:00.000-06:00

Why do you hate me so much? I'm just a poor, Missouri boy from the sticks.

Why is it that you take so long to depart from an intersection when the light turns from red to green? But when I take more than one second to depart, you honk your horn at me as though I'd ignored some unspoken social moree?

How is it that you will drive 60+ mph down the street, but feel uncomfortable making a turn at speeds greater than 5 mph?

Could you explain to me please, why you feel so compelled, even though I be the only other car on the road, to pull out in front of me at the last moment?

Oh, and permit me one more: what would cause you to apply pressure to your brakes when approaching a green lighted intersection? Are you afraid it will turn its back to you and change to that lovely saffron hue warning you to impede your own progress? I doubt that is so, since I've seen you running past those golden admonishings with me.

I'm going to be honest: I don't care much for you or your driving habits.

Yours,

Albert Levi Crump

Soap Box

2007-08-07T15:11:00.000-06:00

Jeremiah 29.11 is about Israel... not whatever you want.

To All Five of the People Who Read my Blog:

2007-07-31T11:03:00.000-06:00

please pardon my brief absence from posting. between moving apartments and work, things have been a touch more hectic.

i wish i had something of interest concerning my life to share with you, but alas... pizazz is far and few between these days.

in other news of interest, my parish's Archbishop will be arriving this weekend for his Visitation trip. i'm extraordinarily excited to meet him; and i am so probably because i've never even met anyone 'higher up' than a priest.

of your charity, pray for the 21 South Korean hostages being held by the Taliban. also, mention the two, including the group's leader, that have already been executed. the Taliban demands that certain rebel leaders be released; after each deadline passes and until that demand is met, they have promised to execute one more hostage until they are all gone. the South Korean church group went to Afghanistan to provide volunteer medical aid.

i want

2007-07-21T22:20:00.000-06:00

...to move far away from where i am.

...to wake up in the morning and not curse.

...to be completely independent of everything and everyone.

...to live in the woods for two years and learn how be content.

...to abandon empty hopes and relinquish foolish dreams.

...to be myself.

who is keeping me from accomplishing these:
Albert Levi Crump

self-commentary

2007-07-15T20:07:00.000-06:00

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.

- Bob Dylan

i am not doing what i want to do. but change will come in time...

an admittance

2007-07-08T18:37:00.000-06:00

a few years ago, i received a book from my then-best friend. it even had a nice little note in the front of it; written by him to me. in the inscription, the reason i had received this book was listed: because the main character of the book reminded him of me.

upon leaving school for my Christmas break, i immediately began to read the book and finished it within one sitting. he was spot-on. the main character was rather like me. i would tell you more, but i would rather you read the book.

after reading the book and realizing how well this friend saw me... i struggled with how i felt about it. i was content, yet uneasy; breathed a sigh of relief and gasped a breath of anxiety.

barely a year later, the friendship ended.

"His mind reeled. Now, empowered to ask questions of utmost rudeness — and promised answers — he could, conceivably, ... ask someone, ... : 'Do you lie?'
But he would have no way of knowing if the answer he received were true."

The Giver by Lois Lowry.

not sure why i am writing on this. it has been on my mind a lot lately.

Franz Kafka

2007-07-01T20:34:00.001-06:00

one of my favorite short story writers is, obviously, Franz Kafka. while he is best known for "The Metamorphosis" -- an excellent read -- i rather enjoy his other, lesser-known stories. one in particular has been sticking out in my mind: "An Old Leaf."

in this two-and-a-half page saga we learn of a land that is being tormented and oppressed by "nomads" who turn the small, feudal town surrounding the Emperor's castle from a "peaceful square" into a "veritable sty." as the story develops, we find that the nomads virtually hold the town ransom against itself... forcing capitulation from the townsfolk, namely the artisans. the cobbler, who happens to be our story-teller, tells that it is impossible to speak or reason with the nomads who care little to learn the language of the town which they are literally destroying.

the end of the story shows the Emperor making a rather rare, albeit submissive, appearance in a window of his outer wall to see what these nomads are doing to his town. the townspeople, seeing his acquiescence, conclude that in light of their lord's inability -- or, perhaps, unwillingness -- the responsibility of saving their town falls into their hands:

"The salvation of our fatherland is left to us craftsmen and tradespeople, but we are not equal to such a task, nor indeed have we ever claimed to be capable of it. This is a misunderstanding, and it is proving the ruin of us."

misunderstandings - whatever their form take - can keep us from getting rid of the things that are killing us. this morning at Mass, one of the passages was from St Paul's letter to the church in Galatia. St Paul tells us that we have been made free in Christ... furthermore, that we are not to submit ourselves to the yoke [or burden] of slavery ever again. many of us are like the townspeople in Franz Kafka's story. many of us, like the cobbler, submit ourselves not only the rule of these nomads but to the idea we are no longer free. however, there is one grave and liberating difference in our story from Kafka's...

our Lord came to our town.

sometimes

2007-06-30T10:32:00.000-06:00

sometimes i wish i had more to say than, "i am here."

but, most of the time i do not.

i am here.

prayer

2007-06-24T21:37:00.000-06:00

"I have come to the conclusion that when all is said and done, the only real prayer I can say is that of the blind beggar in the gospels, 'Lord Jesus, that I may receive my sight'. Let me see the real root cause of that spiritual sophistication which separates me from God. Let me see God's real presence encompassing me, enfolding me, always everywhere. Let me see wherever I am or whatever I am doing, whether I feel tired or excited, angry or amused, a success or a failure, fed up or enthusiastic, a bundle of nerves or calm and quiet, miserable or happy, optimistic or in despair, whatever it may be, let me see that all I have to do is to turn simply to God and say, 'Hello, it is me'. There is no need to stand on ceremony because I am at home in my Father's house. And there is no need to keep up appearances by pretending that I am a worse person than I am, or even a better person, because God knows what I am like infinitely better than I do myself. 'Hello, it is me, Your old friend and Your old enemy, Your loving friend who often neglects You, Your complicated friend, Your utterly perplexed and decidedly resentful friend, partly loving, partly hating, partly not caring. It is me'."

The Simplicity of Prayer, H. A. Williams, C.R.

my most recent fortune cookie

2007-06-22T17:40:00.000-06:00

"A faithful friend is a strong defense."

one of my readers will know how true that is. though, i am sure others will also understand...

a couple of stories

2007-06-20T07:52:00.000-06:00

one is pleasant, the other serious.

story one:

i was sitting at a red light, patiently waiting for it to turn green... happily satisfied with my lane choice (the far left lane, right next the turn lane). the Coldplay song i was listening to was politely interrupted by a "Excuse me, sir?" the elderly lady in the car to my left then continued, "May I get in front of you when the light turns green?" i responded, "Of course!" it was the most pleasant driving experience i've ever encountered... and it was rather refreshing for a jaded-small-town driver like myself. the light turned green and i allowed the kind lady in front of me. i drove away from the intersection feeling rather hopeful about the world.

story the other:

i had a wonderful chat with the priest of the parish i've been attending. i spoke with him about some more of my past. specifically about my depression and prayer. i tried my best to explain the nature of my depression to him and the nature of my prayers concerning it... and how they have changed over the years.

he spoke with me about my prayers and it was encouraging. however, he said that he is not in the business of making me feel better... he is in the business of bringing me closer to YHWH. he even preceded what he said with a caveat, which was taken into consideration... but i knew that what he was about to say would be good for me whether or not i wanted to hear it. he said that, perhaps, my depression is God's way of making me holy and that it might not ever change (see ref: St Terese of Avila). i'm brave enough to write that i immediately began weeping. even if this turns out to be not true, it is possible. a possibility i have to learn to accept. i know this next phrase will perhaps ruin my post by being overly sentimental... but Green Day might have been right... "Don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time."

i'm ready.

reflections

2007-06-17T22:34:00.000-06:00

- sometimes the most well intentioned people can be the most harmful.

- at the end of the day, i look at the day's events one by one and wonder what i could have done differently. and a lot of the time i quit half way through.

- i like the scars i have from my childhood injuries. it makes me feel like it was somewhat normal.

- my strangest dreams occur just as i am waking up for the day and i often have trouble discerning them from reality.

- many people think i'm rather smart... which is rather puzzling as i've never felt like i am nor have i ever felt like i have acted as though i am.

- i like to fall asleep reading.

- i feel most comfortable when it is quiet... and i am in bed... and have just come out of a deep sleep... just before dawn.

- i have a particularly good long term memory and often hear a friend or family member tell the same story twice. but, i rarely stop them from telling it again. i love the sound of the voices of my family and friends.

- when i learn that my family has gathered or is gathering without me... i usually get pretty sad about it.

- i grew up in the same town and same house my entire life. usually, when i share this the listener is quite impressed. i used to be jealous of people who moved around a lot. i'm not anymore.

- i use the number keypad on the right side of the keyboard exclusively. i never use the numbers that are above the letters. i'm not sure why this is so.

I'm just a regular guy...

2007-06-11T19:52:00.000-06:00

...who has lost a considerable amount of weight since the New Year. On this day i am 30 pounds lighter than i was January 3rd. and i feel fine bragging about it. why? because i feel skinnier. and it feels pretty damn good.

i began reading Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. fairly interesting so far. i think many people don't understand the Stoics... and i was one of them. so far, and i may be incorrect, it seems as though they advocate constancy of character, despite circumstances, through "self-government" (self-discipline) and detatchment from events. not in a way that encourages no emotion... but in a way that encourages constancy of character.

also, i've been thinking a lot about a certain passage in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5.33-37):

"Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil."

this passage first came to my distinct attention when i took the required ethics class in college. we were, apparently so, talking about honesty... truth-telling... lying... etc. and the professor (good ol' Byron) asked us why people seem to find it necessary to say the phrase "i promise." most of the responses were "to show you really mean what you say." and his response, in light of the passage we had just read, was, "why should we have to say that?" i felt rather convicted. and i do now again. i hope that my word becomes so certain that do not have to use the phrase "i promise" just to prove myself to be reliable.

i find honesty to be a rather complex discipline. it seems a lot less black and white than a lot make it out to be. not as in: what is wrong and right. but more along the lines of: what is appropriate? is there a guideline for what is appropriate and when is it so? i'm sure it's more of a mindset of approach rather than a checklist. a mindset sounds more appealing anyway...

i long so much for a simpler life. one where i don't have to drive everywhere i wish to go; or work to pay bills so i can work; or live in a town whose vocabulary doesn't include "courteous" or "kind" or even "civility." and i'm not just referring to the traffic.

though, there are few who make the concrete jungle of a world worth it.

forgive my ramblings,
alc

the kingdom of God (KOG)

2007-06-09T11:18:00.000-06:00

it has been a while since i've posted. though... i am certain people don't read this. perhaps it is time to change this.

despite what i reveal in my actions... i am rather easily bothered. i think it is because deep down... i am an idealist -- though my actions are realist. i am sure most would label this as hypocrisy: thinking things should be one way and acting as though the way they are is fine. i would ask you to be less harsh. though prerogative belongs to you.

on xanga, a friend of mine posted a blog because he was upset with the current and unwanted (and unBiblical) mix of Christ's Kingdom and the American dream. in comment, someone responded in defense of the USA/KOG mix. usually, i am lackadaisical about what people believe and am riveted about the why [the reason] and how [the reasoning] behind that belief. briefly put: i don't care what you believe as long as you can defend it.

however, there is one area where this rule finds exception... and even in that case, it is, really, a more severe form of the rule.

before i broach the exception (though, you could probably correctly guess its identity at this point), i will present a proviso: "Because God told me" is a poor reason. i realize that God is more than capable of telling people whatever He jolly well pleases. unless God literally spoke to you in an audible voice... don't use that phrase. it carries with it extraordinarily large undertones that you probably don't intend to use. and besides, God sent an angel to the Mother of His Only Son to tell her about His Birth... so show some humility.

the exception:
America and its 'place' in the Kingdom of God.

i don't know what it is about the topic... but i get ready to throw down anytime i hear someone articulate their take on the nature of the relationship between our country and YHWH. the teachings of Christ and John and Paul seem to not lay the groundwork for such a close relationship between God and government. it is true that Romans 13 speaks to this:

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God.

yet, consider Revelation 18 and its plea:

Then I heard another voice from heaven saying,
‘Come out of her, my people,
so that you do not take part in her sins,
and so that you do not share in her plagues;
for her sins are heaped high as heaven,
and God has remembered her iniquities.
Render to her as she herself has rendered,
and repay her double for her deeds;
mix a double draught for her in the cup she mixed.
As she glorified herself and lived luxuriously,
so give her a like measure of torment and grief.
Since in her heart she says,
“I rule as a queen;
I am no widow,
and I will never see grief”,
therefore her plagues will come in a single day—
pestilence and mourning and famine—
and she will be burned with fire;
for mighty is the Lord God who judges her.’
And the kings of the earth, who committed fornication and lived in luxury with her, will weep and wail over her when they see the smoke of her burning; they will stand far off, in fear of her torment, and say,
‘Alas, alas, the great city,
Babylon, the mighty city!
For in one hour your judgement has come.’

before you think i'm transposing this onto America, please do not. "And the kings of the earth"... i am transposing this onto government. again, be patient with what you think about what i am explaining. i have been thinking about this type of 'contradiction' that presents itself many times in Scripture. i doubt that i am the only one to think on or believe this... but i believe that a theology (not the right word, still looking for it) of Delicate Balance is needed. i used to call it theology of moderation.

so, are we to respect government as it has been instituted and given authority by God? yes. are we to be wary of governments as they will be judged for their actions and affiliations with the Evil One? yes. it is a balance. do not be too disinterested nor should we be too involved.

forgive my ramblings,
alc

(un)believable

2006-09-05T11:29:00.000-06:00

there are redeemable qualities of man.
though sometimes, i cannot see them.

this coming weekend i make my trek back to arkadelphia for the first time since graduation. i can say with great certainty that the reunion will be bitter-sweet. so many [good, bad and in-between] things happened there.

friendship allows itself to be shown when it pleases. or when it is most pleased. i realize the personification of such is rather presumptuous, but i am not the first.

read romans 12.9-21
and for those of you who won't, here are the best parts:

'love one another with brotherly affection. outdo one another in showing honor.'
'rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.'
'contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.'
'rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.'
'do not be haughty [snobbish], but associate with the lowly. never be conceited'
'if possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.'
'do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with agathos.'

i was writing a bible study for work and came across the fruit of the spirit 'goodness.' i had a hard time defining goodness in a biblical sense. and then i found this passage. to be more accurate, i re-found romans.

i am pluto

2006-09-02T22:06:00.000-06:00

i was voted out of the solar system's most elite club.
even though to be in that elite club was my foremost quest.

now, the question(s) remains:
was i ganged up on by a bunch of [metaphorical] stuffy scientists in Switzerland?
or was it just because i didn't make the cut?

eucharist tomorrow morning.
i need a celebration that is worth it.

this weekend i was out driving. i happened upon a large truck. it was navy blue and had tinted windows. on the back windshield was a professional detail of what i can only speculate was the truck owners pet. maybe it was my [liberally] cynical mind that drew the following thought out of me, but i've come to terms with it:
[you paid to have that put on your windshield] and there was a child that starved to death last night...

yet, i'm not much better.
i mean, i was voted out of the planet club.