yesterday's anthem

I used to rule the world.
Seas would rise when I gave the word.
Now in the morning I sleep alone,
Sweep the streets I used to own.

I used to roll the dice,
Feel the fear in my enemies eyes.
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key;
Next the walls were closed on me.
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand.

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing,
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing.
Be my mirror, my sword, and shield,
My missionaries in a foreign field.

For some reason I can't explain,
Once you know there was never, never an honest word.
That was when I ruled the world.

It was the wicked and wild wind,
Blew down the doors to let me in,
Shattered windows and the sound of drums.
People couldn't believe what I'd become.

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate.
Just a puppet on a lonely string.
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing,
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing.
Be my mirror, my sword, and shield,
My missionaries in a foreign field.

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name.

Never an honest word.
And that was when I ruled the world.

when i find a song that truly hits me... it's like i've met a new best friend. when i'm listening to a different song on the album, i miss that song. i wonder why these other songs aren't like my new best-friend-song. i'll readily admit that, on average, i'll listen to this new song 15 times in one sitting. now, that i've introduced you to one of my rather intimate details... i'll give you my permission to call me "strange" and explain why i'm writing about this particular song i've provided the lyrics for above. this song, for some reason, hit me a little harder than normal.

i realize that Mr. Martin probably intended this song to be about Mr. Bush or Mr. Blair, as it is said on the street. but, it means something different to me. and i believe that music has the innate ability to be elastic.

this song could be sung by me and i would mean every single word. now, i know i never really "ruled the world." but in my own little existence of life, i definitely ruled my own world. now, some of you readers will think, "well, of course, you did. you are your own person." well, i kindly ask that you humor me.

six years ago, i was completely and utterly sure of everything i believed. everything. i knew exactly what i was supposed to do. i knew exactly what i wanted. i knew how to get what i wanted. and i was fucking miserable. today, i am completely and utterly unsure of so many things in my life. i have no idea what i am supposed to do. i don't know what the hell i want or how to even imagine about getting it. and i am content. i lived in castles, but living on the proverbial street is so much more fulfilling than any castle built on pillars of salt and sand. i shared this with my sister this past week, and her response was agreeable, "Brother, that's life."

i was so concerned with being in charge.
so concerned with knowing, that i lost sight of everything; ironically enough, even of myself -- the one thing that i "had" control of.

i will not say that i have completely found myself, because i hope that there is more to me than this. but i will say that i have found more of myself. i realize that sometimes definitions hinder understandings... and that "control" can have many connotations. when i write this next part i am not-- nor was i in any of the previous parts -- referring to self-control; that is a different concept:

i have realized that i cannot be controlled by my own person. and this is so freeing. relinquishing control over something so uncontrollable -- and handing it over to Someone who is able and has been courting me for it -- is liberatingly wonderful.

it's awe-full and scary and comforting that He has said, "you can't hide from Me."



sheesh, this was a long one.

direct quote

from my profile:
"i am often frustrating, simply because i do not know what i want."


ugh.
tell me about it.

The Animals

Henry David Thoreau calls to me in my dreams.
or maybe, perhaps, Walden does.

wilderness.
quietude.
nature.



i am so over Dallas.

we gotta get out of this place... if it's the last thing we ever do.

a poem

from a foreign move i watched last year:

Stay by my side as my light grows dim
as my blood slows down and my nerves
shudder with stabbing pain,
as my heart grows weak and the wheels
of my being turn slowly.

Stay by my side as my fragile body
is racked by pain which verges on truth,
and manic time continues scattering dust
and furious life bursts out in flames.

Stay by my side as I fade so you can
point to the end of my struggle,
and the twilight of eternal days
at the low, dark edge of life.

wednesday...

here recently, i've been trying to get my head around a couple of things. i struggle a lot with self-image and how i view myself. i know that "everybody struggles with their own image." i know that it's normal. but, i need to write about it.

i don't really know how to write this without sounding like a complete loser... oh well:
i get lonely very easily. when i get lonely, i close off others. and all of this turns into a wonderful cycle of depression & desperation.



i put up an "i'm alright" front, but, more than anything, i'm waiting for someone to be able to break through that front & see me.

days like these

re·gret
–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth. –noun
3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.


under normal circumstances, i rarely say that i have any serious regrets. in fact, i believe that i have only two regrets to speak of. an addition to this list is difficult for me to admit; for obvious reasons. i work hard to appreciate my regrets as i would not be exactly where i am without them... they, no matter how hard i would like for them to not, are a part of me and will forever be a part of my past. but, as i said, without them, i would not be at this place, at this moment in time... and there is truly no where else i'd love to be.

today is a day when i add to my list of regrets. number 3. though, right now, i'm sure i could be convinced to treat this one as number 3 through 10. but i'm sure i'll get over that notion in a few days. my impatience costs me so much.


this will be the last time.
so help me God.

where i am; where am i

life is so much more beautiful and so much more horrifying than i thought.

It's a long way from Miami to LA
It's a longer way from yesterday
To where I am today

i don't know where i'll end up, but the at least the journey there will be worth it.

May 1st

Today is a day of remembrance. It is the day we look back to those dreadful years of the rule of a truly disturbed man and at the lives he took.

We remember those who were burned alive, shot, starved, worked to death, froze to death. Those who were raped and beaten. Those who were mutilated and whose bodies became playgrounds for the doctors of the Nazi Regime. Those whose lives were taken because of their ancestry, their beliefs, their mental and physical capacity, and who they loved.

6,000,000+ Jews
5,000,000+ Christians
1,800,000-2,000,000 Ethnic Poles
220,000-500,000 Roma
200,000-500,000 Disabled
80,000-200,000 Freemasons
5,000-15,000 Gay Men
2,500-5,000 Jehovah's Witnesses

We remember you. We celebrate the lives you lived and grieve the deaths you were given.

May we never forget.
And God help us if we ever do.

i'll come back soon...

i promise.

definition

over sherry and scotch what-seems-like a yom ago, i was given a request. and in my difficult effort to be a man of my word:

i do not know how i should define a concept, let alone a word, whose facets are many. at least, they have been made many -- making it difficult to assign one encompassing definition. furthermore, its importance, perceived or actual, puts a little extra pressure upon the shoulders of any human truly grappling with it.

can you know what something is before defining it? or is existence predicated only by -- or after -- definition? damn it. i don't know. it was not long before despair and melancholy came into my mind after pondering on such a traditionally joy-inspiring topic.

beauty.



what is beauty? what is it that is in an object... or person... or event... or whatever... (ad nauseum) that is capable of being beautiful? or does that question imply a disparity where there is none?

can it be as Tolstoy says: that beauty and goodness are not always in kissing distance?

or like what Confucius claims, 'Everything has beauty...'?

or can it be that, truly, beauty only exists in the subjective realm? [shudders at the thought]




at the risk of being a complete and utter dork, i feel like the council that was called to decide the fate of The One Ring in The Fellowship of the Ring when Lord Elrond says, "The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any weapon we here possess."

"beau·ty, [byoo-tee], noun, the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest). "

'technical' has never really done it for me.


in spite of the quality, or position, that i lack as a Definer of Things, here's what i mean when i use beauty, or any of its forms:

"beau·ty, [byoo-tee], noun, a quality in a person, thing or event which inspires awe."




but, then again, the only reason i can even contemplate such things with any certainty is because i have met Beauty Itself.

God bless...

America?

if we truly were the God-blessed nation many Americans say that we are, we wouldn't keep saying 'God bless America'... we would be asking God to bless other nations.

forced

i've been backed into a corner.
both ways out make me sick.

i'm not as brave as you think i am.

self-loathing

i said to myself a few weeks ago:

"you're a creation of the Master of the Universe. start acting like it."

oddly enough, i responded.

"ok."

a soap box

firstly, i apologize... if you happen to be one of the six or seven people who reads my site on any kind of basis, it may seem that i talk a little much about politics and the Church. however, it's a tender wound on my soul and i therefore feel compelled to comment on a few current happenings.



recently, in DC, there was a Values Voters Summit (about which i already have reservations, but that's for another time) which was scheduled by the Family Research Council. at this summit, there was a debate between Jim Wallis and Richard Land about the influence the Christian faith should have on public policy. Jim Wallis is often called 'progressive' and Richard Land is often called Conservative, but he's really a Fundamentalist.



i realize that much of what i say may be a direct result of disagreement upon semantics. yet, words are, largely, the basis upon which we think or believe. words shape our lives in ways that all of us will probably never fully realize or appreciate.



i digress...



i believe that should 'influencing public policy' become a focus of faith it easily becomes the focus of faith. all too easily. many think, "if only we had someone in office that was a Christian. then we wouldn't have so much sin in our country/we could be a Godly country." i struggle to believe that God is concerned with sin in our country. He's concerned with sin in humanity. i firmly believe that Believers should stop caring so much about America and start caring about people.



Richard Land believes the exact opposite of me when it comes to politics and faith. Richard Land believes that the end of 'more poverty' can be achieved "if [single] mothers would marry the fathers of their children." that's a verbatim quote. he also believes that the United States military is responsible for all freedom on this entire globe; whatever its form and wherever its location. he goes further to say that anywhere there is dignity in being a human, one need only thank the United States military and their courage. he also believes that God has a "special claim" on America, falling short of calling America God's chosen nation.



i am not an American Christian. i used to be. but, i never will be again. i am a believer in Christ who happens to have residence in America.



public policy and civil authority cannot be a focus of ours...

Christ will be Lord no matter who gets elected, no matter what legislation is passed, no matter which justice is confirmed into the Supreme Court, even if a Democrat gets elected, even if a Republican gets elected, even if they say students can't celebrate Christmas parties in public schools, even if judges aren't allowed to post the Decalogue in their court rooms, even if they drag us into the streets and kill us for believing and living that Christ is Lord.



nothing in could happen in or to our government that will ever change that... whether it be 'against' Christianity or 'for' it. we cannot make Christ more Lord by being a Godly nation.

slightly angered post

i was a junior in high school (2001-2002).
the class was Algebra II.
the assignment was to interview someone who had a job that involved mathematics.
i interviewed my dad, a lawyer.

we were given a set of questions to ask. the last of which was, "What is the most difficult part of your job?"

my dad's answer has stuck with me to this day and has grossly shaped how i handle any situation that involves other people:
"The hardest part of my job is convincing my clients that there is another side to the story."

in other words, no matter what the situation, the circumstance, the person... what you see or perceive may not be all there is.

we all, at some point, have to come to terms with the idea that our perception of how-things-are could be, and probably is, an incomplete perception. well, i guess we don't have to. but, we should.

now, some of you might be wondering what this has to do with the title of my post. some of you will know and some will not, simply because of how much of myself i've let you come to know... but some people really grind my gears... mainly rude fundamentalists ('rude' is rather operative there... i do know civil fundamentalists).

disagreement is not where my qualm lies.

self-righteous indignation is. i've made posts about entitlement before [on my xanga], so i won't suffer you to bear my repetition.


a quote to close with:

"Do not take the limits of your own vision as the limits of the world."
-Ryan Porter

i know, i know...

i have been neglectful.

please accept my apologies.




i wish i had some sort of deep, meaningful and inspiring message to make up for my absence.
but alas, i do not.


well, maybe:

"i don't know" seems to be showing up more and more and more and more. and more. i am uncertain if i am able to stress that to any degree of satisfaction.

there is so much we do not see and so much that we do not comprehend that it is, at times, overwhelming -- difficult-to-breath overwhelming.

the universe is so much more expansive than the limits of our own vision.
maybe it is time to start acting as though that is the case.

a sick sense of humor

hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, noun, the fear of long words.

let that ruminate for a moment in your mind.
though i doubt the existence of this phobia, think of the of the cruel nature of the person who came up with this word.

patting myself on the back

January 3, 2007 - September 12, 2007

it was in this period of time that i lost a total 50 pounds.
i am 15.6% less of what i used to be.


i believe a 'congrats' or two is in order...

Separation

of late, my policy on making comments or stating my opinion about my stance on government and God has been to refrain. however, i consider something as general as Separation of Church and State to be important enough to render comment.

here in Texas, there is couple (who has children in the Texas public school system) who has filed suit against various state officials for the addition and use of the phrase 'Under God' in the Texas flag pledge and the required presence of the American pledge and the moment of silence each morning in Texas schools. Texas added the 'Under God' phrase to the Texas flag pledge citing consistency with the American flag pledge being their goal.

i must say: i applaud this couple. of the Bible Belt in America, Texas may not be the buckle, but it is at least the over-grown pot-luck supper belly of it.

in the Dallas Morning News article on this very story, the Texas state solicitor general Ted Cruz is quoted defending the pledges and moment of silence as saying, "In both the nation and the state there is a long tradition of acknowledging the role of the Almighty." i realise that our justice and law system is based largely upon precedent and that tradition is considered virtually sacred; however, if the law of Separation of Church and State is to be upheld -- the State can in no way entreat her citizens to believe anything religious in nature.

the will of the majority is honored, yes; but the rights and freedoms of the minority MUST be protected.

as Christians, we are not called to force upon anyone our ways or beliefs. Christ does not force belief or obedience upon us -- therefore, we should not force. many say we are a Christian nation -- founded upon Christian values. i would say in response that Israel expected a Messiah-King that would come to earth as a conqueror to depose the Roman government's control over the Jews. when Christ came as the Messiah he came on His terms offering freedom and abundant life. He did not come on their terms. our own expectations of who Christ is to us and to the world are those of ancient Israel. we want a Christ who will conquer by being strong and forceful. but that is not who He is. victory is gained through servanthood. Christ came to serve, and this should be our mark; not domination in government or arrogant superiority in belief. oppression for ANY reason is still oppression. as Lily Tomlin said, "The problem with winning a rat race is that, in the end, you're still a rat."

i understand that Christian parents wish for positive, Godly influence upon their children. then those parents should be that influence and stop expecting or requiring our government to fill that role. government is to be public... for all who live in the country -- religious belief is personal.

to the parents fighting against this injustice: good work. i'm behind you.

physical contact

as children we were taught: "keep your hands to yourself." as in most things, we were admonished to abstain rather than to self-controlling moderation. i realise this rule is usually instituted to keep children from hitting or pestering each other. but, how does this lesson shape our relationships with others? why is it so awkward for grown up friends -- or even grown ups within families -- to stand physical contact?

when my niece was a toddler, she would always be sitting on a lap or holding a hand; she always wanted to be in physical contact with someone.

when i was a toddler -- this story comes via my mother -- and woke up in the middle of the night, as most toddlers do, i would call out for my mom or dad to stay with me until i fell back asleep. my mom said that i would always want to be held closely, to be in physical contact with whoever was there to put me back to sleep.

why do we discourage physical contact so much? is it so horrible? so many children and adults have so little contact with other people.

as the reader would suspect, i have a theory. and as it is such, any comments or complaints assuming its absolute accuracy will be ignored. furthermore, this is meant as a generality and will not concern specific instances:

our entertainment, our news, our literature, our conversations all link physical contact with sexual intimacy. and it seems that many people, adult or otherwise, link any physical contact past hand shakes, brief 'side-saddle' hugs, pats on the back, etc. as an indication of sexual attraction or more.

now, don't mistake my theory for naïvete about the very real presence of inappropriate contact between people. yet, because of those who make physical contact in order to harm or out of perverted desires a fear has developed among the well-intentioned: the fear of being mistaken -- which holds fear-striking consequences -- for someone with ulterior motives.

what are we so afraid of in having physical contact with those who are close to us? do we keep forbidding physical contact in the name of fear? in the name of social commandment? many adults are out in society longing for contact end up feeling like they are disgusting because no one will be close to them... many children wonder if something is wrong with them or if they have done something wrong... many teenagers are being taught that physical contact is only connected with sexual activity: all adding to the cycle which turns out destructive, perverted contact which turns out fear which turns out the absence of appropriate contact.

do we let the harmful ruin one of the most basic of human interaction?
or do we reclaim it?