got no feel, i got no rhythm... i just keep losing my beat

note: i know this is vague, but... not everybody needs to know exactly what past event i'm talking about to understand what i'm trying convey.


i know i've written on this before, but i rarely say that i have regrets. very, very few things i would go back and change about what's happened or what i've done. but most of those are with the idea that i would know then what i know now and that seems rather short-sighted. yes, hindsight is 20/20. and i often say that i am fine with past mistakes and happenings because without them i would not be where i am right now... and overall, i like where i am... mostly.

but there is something i would go back and change. whole-heartedly i say that i would.

sometimes something that has happened can have such a restricting and deafening effect. it colors everything similarly occurring or related based on it. i know rather well all of the psychological conversations on perception, faulty processing and blah blah blah. but, really, my perception is my reality - faulty or not. sometimes past happenings raise the bar of expectations or lower it. what's fun is when a little bit of both happen.

i can't shake this one (well, maybe i won't and that's possible). it's become a reference point for many things and that's disheartening.


it's as if i was waiting for traffic to end to make a left turn, made the left turn when i didn't see any traffic... but got hit by another car. and now, i'm scared to make left turns. and it's as if when i went to China, ate authentic Chinese food and didn't want to eat at Chinese restaurants when i got back to the States.

i'm sure that last part was more than confusing.



all this to say, given the chance... i would go back and do it differently. while i like where i am overall, i don't like being at this particular place within that. and i don't like that i don't like it.


ssdd,
levi

And I try and I try and I try

But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe

do not let the past remind us of what we are not now

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging..."

- Chris McCandless

that quote is from a book called Into the Wild by John Krakauer who wrote about Chris McCandless leaving his life and going on a journey across wilderness, among other places. his story was turned into a movie starring Emile Hirsch.

i like this quote a lot and it has been on my mind lately.

in more situations that not, change in a life occurs when an individual causes the change. there's an illustration, or i guess it could be called a parable, that my sister told me about once:

Jim prayed every day to God that he would win the lottery. Every single day without fail, he prayed that he would win the lottery. Even into his old age, he prayed for a win. Once he died and went to heaven, he stood before God he asked, "God, I prayed to you every day of my life to win the lottery and did not answer my prayer! Was I not faithful enough? Should I have prayed more for it?" And God simply replied, "Well, Jim, you could have at least bought a lottery ticket."

before us each day is a chance to change... and i don't mean a change for happiness, necessarily but a change for the better.

it takes courage to go after what is wanted. but it takes even more courage to after what is needed.

so, i say to myself: how do you expect your life to change unless you change?

ssdd,

levi