i swam across, i jumped across for you

well, on October 24 alone i had 30 pageviews. i've either become very popular, have a stalker or have been a victim of spam.

anyways, this week's topic is a glimpse into how i operate. and before sharing with the group i have a few provisos:

1) i mean to define "is" as "in more cases/instances than not"... even though people made fun of Bill Clinton for doing so, defining "is"... is important.

2) this post will sound really self-centered, but read through all of it before you make a judgement about it.

3) keep in mind that i don't always operate this way, but that it is a striving of mine to do so.

4) i know that a lot of this could be dumped into a "semantics" problem... but if no one knows how someone defines a word that they use, how will we know what they really mean.



if i ever do anything it is always tied to a want or desire to do it. in other words, i don't do anything i don't want to do. i've thought about this a lot in contrast to saying "i need to _______." a lot of people use the word "need" when they really mean to use "want." i think the same is true of "have to." something my high school psychology teacher said was that we did not have to come to class. several students in the class chimed in with, "uhh, yeah we do." she explained that we physically do not have to come to class. when people say that they need i think it is (in more instances than not) directly tied to a want.

exempli gratia, take going to the grocery store: I need to go to the store [to buy things to eat].
- why?
because i need to eat.
- why?
so, i can live, if i don't eat, i'll die.
so, you want to live... therefore you eat.

yes, staying alive is important and in order to prevent yourself from dying of hunger you need (id est: it is a requirement) to eat... but that need is directly tied to not dying and you wanting to not die from hunger is not.

i know this example sounds rather elementary, but it was only to show what i mean. what becomes more complicated is when it involves friends or family... or something equally as important. i've been thinking about need vs. want for a very, very long time and by no means do i use it every time. i think this is important because whenever i do something (spend time with someone, text someone, spend time with someone, say something to someone, pay for a meal at a restaurant for a friend, listen to someone talk about what's bothering them, going to class, obeying the speed limit) it's because i want to do it... because i have a desire to do that thing. on the flip side, for example, i don't want to do something for someone if i don't mean it. i think doing things that way (actions without desire) turns any gesture or action into something cheap and hollow.

for me, it was important to find the connection for what i viewed as a "need" to something that i "want." it was important to search my own thoughts to figure out what was going on. i don't want to do anything that is empty, but i don't have to and i don't need to. as i'm so fond of saying, the only things that i have to do are be white and die.

i'd rather be 100% behind what i'm doing than any other percent.


so, hopefully, whenever i'm doing something... it's because i want to do it.





i also don't want you to think too harshly about me after reading this J

ssdd,
levi

do not let the past remind us of what we are not now

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging..."

- Chris McCandless

that quote is from a book called Into the Wild by John Krakauer who wrote about Chris McCandless leaving his life and going on a journey across wilderness, among other places. his story was turned into a movie starring Emile Hirsch.

i like this quote a lot and it has been on my mind lately.

in more situations that not, change in a life occurs when an individual causes the change. there's an illustration, or i guess it could be called a parable, that my sister told me about once:

Jim prayed every day to God that he would win the lottery. Every single day without fail, he prayed that he would win the lottery. Even into his old age, he prayed for a win. Once he died and went to heaven, he stood before God he asked, "God, I prayed to you every day of my life to win the lottery and did not answer my prayer! Was I not faithful enough? Should I have prayed more for it?" And God simply replied, "Well, Jim, you could have at least bought a lottery ticket."

before us each day is a chance to change... and i don't mean a change for happiness, necessarily but a change for the better.

it takes courage to go after what is wanted. but it takes even more courage to after what is needed.

so, i say to myself: how do you expect your life to change unless you change?

ssdd,

levi

small update

well, this week was crazy for me at school with a big paper due and a mid term test... sorry (to my 2 - 3 readers).

i don't have too much to write about this week though... my thoughts are in many places.


sometimes you just have to keep going and things will get better. one of my friends in college had a poster in his dorm that had the words "Keep on truckin'" on it and those words seem to be overly appropriate for me.

new commitments keep me going sometimes.
people keep me going all-times.


i need a little bit of both right now.



ssdd,
levi

and i lost my head... and thought of all the stupid things i'd said

the last year of my life has had a lot, and i mean a lot, of endings. some beginnings, a few middles... but mostly endings.



as you can imagine, endings are always difficult for me. and no, i'm not talking about ending facebook.




i hate endings. hate. changing something - that i can deal with well eventually. but endings always take longer.
endings that i have a hand or say in and endings that i do not have a say in are practically the same in terms of emotions.


i know that i wrote about this last time, but i have to hear it again: life is short. really short. death (of a person or of whatever) can come when you least expect it, let alone when you least want it. it's funny to me that people use "lifetime" as a measure of something that lasts a long time. the reality is that a lifetime is a drop in the ocean. i don't mean to imply that a lifetime is unimportant or menial. a lifetime being short is, in my opinion, part of what makes it valuable.


i know, i know... i repeat myself. we all have a short time together. every day is important. all we get is today. and sometimes we don't even get all of that. sometimes it can all come to a crashing hault.


today is here. and it's the only thing that is.




ssdd,
levi

a repeat and an echo

i have two stories to share. one is a story about my father that i have shared before and the second is something that my father wrote.


the only reason i'm sharing them is because i need to hear them. and really that is the only reason i write anything on here... so i can externalize something that i've been internalizing.


the story is also posted on my November 15, 2007 post, but i'll put here to make thinks easier:

i was a junior in high school (2001-2002).
the class was Algebra II.
the assignment was to interview someone who had a job that involved mathematics.
i interviewed my dad, a lawyer.

we were given a set of questions to ask. the last of which was, "What is the most difficult part of your job?"

my dad's answer has stuck with me to this day and has grossly shaped how i handle any situation that involves other people:
"The hardest part of my job is convincing my clients that there is another side to the story."

i went on to write:

in other words, no matter what the situation, the circumstance, the person... what you see or perceive may not be all there is.

we all, at some point, have to come to terms with the idea that our perception of how-things-are could be, and probably is, an incomplete perception. well, i guess we don't have to. but, we should.

sometimes when i have been hurt it is very difficult to even want to see things from the other person's perspective. i don't have the full picture, and neither does anyone else. this somewhat ties in with my post last time about perception and perspectives. the catch here is that for me, it's not always enough for me to remember that others will have a different side of their story... for me i always want to know what that side is.


now, the something that my father wrote. my brother, Jamie, posted this as a note on his Facebook and it struck me rather deeply. and i promise that i'll tie this in with the beginning of this post... keep with me:

I remember when Jamie was a little kid and we would go the the store. Jamie would insist upon putting money into the gumball machines in order to obtain some trinket that he HAD to have. Once I dug out my pocket the necessary change for my son to obtain his “treasure”, he would rush up and spend said money. More often than not, Jamie would be upset because the trinket or bauble he received was not what he wanted. Or, he would discard or forget about his treasure that he HAD to have within a short amount of time.

Many times, we spend our days in the same manner. We wake up, take the kids to school, go to work, go to the store, etc. and “spend” our time in pursuit of our daily “treasure” that we absolutely HAVE to have. At the end of the day, not happy with our trinket or discarding it as trash shortly thereafter.

Each day is like that dime Jamie would spend in the gumball machines. Do not waste your dime, because once you spend your dime, its gone. Treasure each item each day gives you, whether it’s a gumball that is juicy and fruity for only a short time or some sparkly ring that shines only for a day. At least it if tasty or shiny for a day. The machine could give you a pile a crap, or cancer, or shoot your best friend on the side of the road. Do not forget to cherish those small joys in life.

(for those of you who don't appreciate cursing, get ready)









life is too fucking short. it really is. there is so much out there that we don't experience because we spend our days going after bullshit that doesn't matter. i use the word bullshit because that's how valuable that stuff is compared to what we could experience. now, i'm not saying that life won't have its share of bad times or relationships. what i am saying is that we choose shitty things over beautiful things. i choose shitty things over beautiful things.


losing what we love (ie: friends, co-workers) to whatever puts things into perspective for me. i'm tired of arguing with life over what i want to be beautiful when really it is shit. plain ol' shit.

jar of hearts

well, i would first like to extend a gracious "thank you" to the wonderful persons who brought my page views from zero up to 78! any traffic is good traffic :) also, i find it funny that i have hits from Canada, Russia, Germany, Taiwan, Latvia and Nigeria... oh, and from South Korea (but i know who that is).




this past week has been.... a roller coaster ride, to say the least. very emotional times with losing some things (read: people) that cannot be replaced. it reminded me that each person's perspective is that person's reality. my perspective is my reality. your perspective is your reality. the important part comes in remembering (which i had to force myself to remember this) to not mistake the limits of your perception as the limits of the world.
 
 
that being said, i want to talk about something slightly political. and i may piss off a few people... but please remember that i mean no harm.
 
today, the Senate voted down an attempt to bring DADT into debate. GLBT/LGBT issues are on the forefront of a lot of discussions. the fact it is an election year is probably to "blame," but it is important.
 
i want to start with a lot of caveats because i don't want anyone to mistake what (or how) i say for what it is not. and i also don't want anyone to think that by disagreeing with what they've said is, by any means, me disagreeing with the key issue.
 
- i believe that DADT should be repealed
- i'm not a democrat
- i'm not a republican
- i don't hate the US military, i support it
- i believe that everyone has the right to have a belief and to express it
 
ok. here we go.
 
i understand why it is upsetting that the Senate voted this down. GLBT/LGBT persons are, on a daily basis, discriminated against. sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes in big ways. but it is still discrimination. i get rather perturbed and rather often whenever there's a news story that comes up and there are comments like "I can't believe that with one stroke of a pen, this judge is going against a majority vote of the state!!" and like "It's about time! The Republican'ts are trying to bring us back the 1950s." i find issue with the thoughts behind both of these comments.
 
i firmly advocate that the existence of any one right of any one person should not be decided by a majority vote. (i'll go ahead and connect the dots) if that were so, then minorities would have no rights. in my 8th grade civics class, my teacher taught us something that i think has been lost: the majority vote decides what America does, but it should never be at the cost of the minority.
 
now, here's the clincher: i have no issues with the Senate voting against bringing up the debate on DADT today. (don't get angry yet...) i think we need to be patient. yes, there are many serving in the military right this moment that are GLBT/LGBT that have to hide who they are and there are those who have been kicked out, "dishonorably" so, because their sexual identity came to be known. i'm in favor of waiting for the survey that has been sent out to those actually serving in the military. the people it will directly effect, and not just the GLBT persons, has to be considered. if this is done too quickly and without much planning and without much careful thought, it could be disastrous. for everybody. we have to be in this together, or it won't work. i'm not saying that if we should wait, think carefully and have exact planning that it will absolutely go right. but, i'd rather caution on the side of preparedness.
 
yes, GLBT/LGBT persons are being treated as de facto second class. but, we are not the only ones that will be effected by this. Lady Gaga, of whom musically i am not a fan, said that the new law should be "If you don't like it, go home." to me, this is nearly as bad as sending home gays from the military. if someone believes that being gay is wrong... they have every right to believe it. but they should not receive the same treatment as gays in the military now get.
 
so, this is turning into a much longer post that i anticipated. so, i'll go ahead and give a conclusion.
 
we need to be patient. but we also need to be consistent in our response to DADT. every person matters and every person in the military will be effected by this. not just the heterosexuals. not just the homosexuals. everyone. it is not going to be easy if and when DADT is repealed... but we can work with each other to make sure it goes easier. now i'll bring in my tie-in from the beginning of my post. perspectives matter. and i'm saying this more to myself because i need to hear it right now more than ever: don't mistake the limits your perspective as the limits of the world (or of other people).
 
 
 
levi

out (and about)

well, since it's been approximately two full years since i've written a blog post, you may have to forgive me if i'm a bit rusty. and this one will be a bit heavy, at least for me. the subject matter is something that i have never discussed publicly... ever.

i'm writing about this now because i've told the people in my life that i have wanted to tell.

one of the most important dates in my life is October 9, 2007. it was a long struggle to get to that day. i was overly depressed and had been crying on and off all day. this was also a time when i wrote profusely. so, late at night, i started writing. i didn't even know what i was really writing about -- i just started writing. once my thoughts had run their course on the page, the truth came out. i even this it was written on the paper before the thought even really entered my mind:
"i am gay" is what i wrote. and that was that. i didn't tell anyone for a while.

i am gay. and i'm proud of it. and it took me a long time to be able to write that second sentence and mean it. from coming out to myself to today has been quite a journey as well. even though i had admitted to myself i was gay, i did not accept it. but that came later... i was sitting with someone the following Spring and was talking with them about being gay. they asked me, "are you disappointed that you're gay?" my answer was "no," but what surprised me was that i answered without hesitation.

i also think that this is an ongoing process. coming out ever day and accepting it every day. not knowing what the hell is going on with you and then subsequently hiding it once you've figured it out for several years is horrific and it takes a lot of time to heal from that.

for one Christmas, my sister -- after i had come out to her -- gave me a book about coming out. among the few things that stuck with me after reading the book, one of them makes so much sense now being on the other side of coming out completely: the pain of coming out never outweighs the pain of staying in the closet.

October 9, 2010 will mark three years. it took three long years to finish the entire process of coming out for me. but, the ability to be who you are... is wonderful.

back in full force...

now that i have time to have a life (and now that i have a computer of my own), i've decided to start blogging again. even if no one reads it... i'll still post.


i'm excited about this because i take joy in writing. and there's a lot to write about now.

now, i should be in bed...

but, what's a late night between friends?

this weather we're having here in Dallas, Texas has somehow awoken -- and to be completely honest, i'm not sure that's a word -- inside of me certain feelings. largely feelings of nostalgia, loneliness, and, as an added bonus, a touch of hopelessness.

this lovely, mid- to high-70 degree weather coupled with ample clear skies, ignites deep within me a strong, overbearing desire to be outside. however, to be outside with someone who is special to me. now, before you get your mind up and running thinking that i have a particular person in mind, i will tell you to not let that thought keep going; i have no one person in mind. this feeling is a rather ambiguous and general one. it is just a raw emotion to be outside, enjoying this weather with a significant other.

now, this is where Loneliness rears its ugly and unwelcome head... menacing me with its disdainful whispers and dire need for company. i feel this great need to be in the presence of someone who would make my heart beat faster, but, as it is obvious, i have not in this area. i am well aware of the statements many of you would -- and have -- made about me finding someone like this. you may save them for the next pity party i have scheduled for next Thursday.

and, Loneliness, after he has all but settled into the spare bedroom of my mind, he is lonely and calls his friend Hopelessness. but, that is neither here nor there; and i digress.

The sun is out,
The sky is blue.
It's beautiful;
and so are you.

purpose

last night, i watched part of an episode of Planet Earth. it was an episode about caves. the portion i saw was concerning caves that are completely filled with water and flow out into the sea. in this particular cave there were, of course, many creatures living. it was probably the Sullen Sally or Pragmatic Patrick inside of me that then asked this question of the creatures which live in these caves: what is their purpose?

what is their purpose? they live in this cave their entire life. they either die of natural causes or get preyed upon by the next creature up in the food chain. most, if not all, live and die in those caves. now, i could buy into some "ecosystem" argument if argued well enough, but... really, what is their purpose? they live, eat, swim, and die. this is their existence. no emotions. no thought. no love.

like some fat loser, and like i was watching some stupid human interest piece about a kitten with no hind legs... i started feeling a connection between me and these damn fish. well, firstly, i started projecting my own feelings of purposelessness (and i'm certain that one's not a word) upon these fish. then i started to identify with how i saw their existence.

but they are not without purpose. even if no one ever discovered that they existed... they have a purpose. i offer to you zero proof to back up this belief. this is where i tell Pragmatic Patrick to get off. purpose is not founded upon such cut and dry definitions of what is able to be offered -- and seen as "useful" -- by that one thing or being to the rest of existence. an efficiency and task driven existence allows for little else.

there used to be a Steak and Shake commercial about their hand spun milkshakes. the cute little number they had pretending be one of their waitresses said (warning, not a verbatim quote), "People often ask us why we hand spin our milkshakes instead of doing it faster like the other guys. Our response is: when was the last time you tasted a shake and said, 'Mmmm. That tastes... efficient.' "

yesterday's anthem

I used to rule the world.
Seas would rise when I gave the word.
Now in the morning I sleep alone,
Sweep the streets I used to own.

I used to roll the dice,
Feel the fear in my enemies eyes.
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key;
Next the walls were closed on me.
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand.

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing,
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing.
Be my mirror, my sword, and shield,
My missionaries in a foreign field.

For some reason I can't explain,
Once you know there was never, never an honest word.
That was when I ruled the world.

It was the wicked and wild wind,
Blew down the doors to let me in,
Shattered windows and the sound of drums.
People couldn't believe what I'd become.

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate.
Just a puppet on a lonely string.
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing,
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing.
Be my mirror, my sword, and shield,
My missionaries in a foreign field.

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name.

Never an honest word.
And that was when I ruled the world.

when i find a song that truly hits me... it's like i've met a new best friend. when i'm listening to a different song on the album, i miss that song. i wonder why these other songs aren't like my new best-friend-song. i'll readily admit that, on average, i'll listen to this new song 15 times in one sitting. now, that i've introduced you to one of my rather intimate details... i'll give you my permission to call me "strange" and explain why i'm writing about this particular song i've provided the lyrics for above. this song, for some reason, hit me a little harder than normal.

i realize that Mr. Martin probably intended this song to be about Mr. Bush or Mr. Blair, as it is said on the street. but, it means something different to me. and i believe that music has the innate ability to be elastic.

this song could be sung by me and i would mean every single word. now, i know i never really "ruled the world." but in my own little existence of life, i definitely ruled my own world. now, some of you readers will think, "well, of course, you did. you are your own person." well, i kindly ask that you humor me.

six years ago, i was completely and utterly sure of everything i believed. everything. i knew exactly what i was supposed to do. i knew exactly what i wanted. i knew how to get what i wanted. and i was fucking miserable. today, i am completely and utterly unsure of so many things in my life. i have no idea what i am supposed to do. i don't know what the hell i want or how to even imagine about getting it. and i am content. i lived in castles, but living on the proverbial street is so much more fulfilling than any castle built on pillars of salt and sand. i shared this with my sister this past week, and her response was agreeable, "Brother, that's life."

i was so concerned with being in charge.
so concerned with knowing, that i lost sight of everything; ironically enough, even of myself -- the one thing that i "had" control of.

i will not say that i have completely found myself, because i hope that there is more to me than this. but i will say that i have found more of myself. i realize that sometimes definitions hinder understandings... and that "control" can have many connotations. when i write this next part i am not-- nor was i in any of the previous parts -- referring to self-control; that is a different concept:

i have realized that i cannot be controlled by my own person. and this is so freeing. relinquishing control over something so uncontrollable -- and handing it over to Someone who is able and has been courting me for it -- is liberatingly wonderful.

it's awe-full and scary and comforting that He has said, "you can't hide from Me."



sheesh, this was a long one.

direct quote

from my profile:
"i am often frustrating, simply because i do not know what i want."


ugh.
tell me about it.

The Animals

Henry David Thoreau calls to me in my dreams.
or maybe, perhaps, Walden does.

wilderness.
quietude.
nature.



i am so over Dallas.

we gotta get out of this place... if it's the last thing we ever do.

a poem

from a foreign move i watched last year:

Stay by my side as my light grows dim
as my blood slows down and my nerves
shudder with stabbing pain,
as my heart grows weak and the wheels
of my being turn slowly.

Stay by my side as my fragile body
is racked by pain which verges on truth,
and manic time continues scattering dust
and furious life bursts out in flames.

Stay by my side as I fade so you can
point to the end of my struggle,
and the twilight of eternal days
at the low, dark edge of life.

wednesday...

here recently, i've been trying to get my head around a couple of things. i struggle a lot with self-image and how i view myself. i know that "everybody struggles with their own image." i know that it's normal. but, i need to write about it.

i don't really know how to write this without sounding like a complete loser... oh well:
i get lonely very easily. when i get lonely, i close off others. and all of this turns into a wonderful cycle of depression & desperation.



i put up an "i'm alright" front, but, more than anything, i'm waiting for someone to be able to break through that front & see me.

days like these

re·gret
–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth. –noun
3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.


under normal circumstances, i rarely say that i have any serious regrets. in fact, i believe that i have only two regrets to speak of. an addition to this list is difficult for me to admit; for obvious reasons. i work hard to appreciate my regrets as i would not be exactly where i am without them... they, no matter how hard i would like for them to not, are a part of me and will forever be a part of my past. but, as i said, without them, i would not be at this place, at this moment in time... and there is truly no where else i'd love to be.

today is a day when i add to my list of regrets. number 3. though, right now, i'm sure i could be convinced to treat this one as number 3 through 10. but i'm sure i'll get over that notion in a few days. my impatience costs me so much.


this will be the last time.
so help me God.

where i am; where am i

life is so much more beautiful and so much more horrifying than i thought.

It's a long way from Miami to LA
It's a longer way from yesterday
To where I am today

i don't know where i'll end up, but the at least the journey there will be worth it.

May 1st

Today is a day of remembrance. It is the day we look back to those dreadful years of the rule of a truly disturbed man and at the lives he took.

We remember those who were burned alive, shot, starved, worked to death, froze to death. Those who were raped and beaten. Those who were mutilated and whose bodies became playgrounds for the doctors of the Nazi Regime. Those whose lives were taken because of their ancestry, their beliefs, their mental and physical capacity, and who they loved.

6,000,000+ Jews
5,000,000+ Christians
1,800,000-2,000,000 Ethnic Poles
220,000-500,000 Roma
200,000-500,000 Disabled
80,000-200,000 Freemasons
5,000-15,000 Gay Men
2,500-5,000 Jehovah's Witnesses

We remember you. We celebrate the lives you lived and grieve the deaths you were given.

May we never forget.
And God help us if we ever do.

i'll come back soon...

i promise.

definition

over sherry and scotch what-seems-like a yom ago, i was given a request. and in my difficult effort to be a man of my word:

i do not know how i should define a concept, let alone a word, whose facets are many. at least, they have been made many -- making it difficult to assign one encompassing definition. furthermore, its importance, perceived or actual, puts a little extra pressure upon the shoulders of any human truly grappling with it.

can you know what something is before defining it? or is existence predicated only by -- or after -- definition? damn it. i don't know. it was not long before despair and melancholy came into my mind after pondering on such a traditionally joy-inspiring topic.

beauty.



what is beauty? what is it that is in an object... or person... or event... or whatever... (ad nauseum) that is capable of being beautiful? or does that question imply a disparity where there is none?

can it be as Tolstoy says: that beauty and goodness are not always in kissing distance?

or like what Confucius claims, 'Everything has beauty...'?

or can it be that, truly, beauty only exists in the subjective realm? [shudders at the thought]




at the risk of being a complete and utter dork, i feel like the council that was called to decide the fate of The One Ring in The Fellowship of the Ring when Lord Elrond says, "The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any weapon we here possess."

"beau·ty, [byoo-tee], noun, the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest). "

'technical' has never really done it for me.


in spite of the quality, or position, that i lack as a Definer of Things, here's what i mean when i use beauty, or any of its forms:

"beau·ty, [byoo-tee], noun, a quality in a person, thing or event which inspires awe."




but, then again, the only reason i can even contemplate such things with any certainty is because i have met Beauty Itself.