by the by...

well, i've been running amok recently and have neglected my blog... my apologies.


school has begun and looks as though it will be an interesting and busy semester to say the least. only taking three classes this time around: Foundations of Policy, Human Behaviors in Diverse Populations and Research and Evaluation Methods I. though, i already think that one of my professors and i are not going to get along rather well.


there is one item of business i would like to share. i had an "a-ha" moment this weekend. [this will probably sound unhealthily self-deprecating here towards the beginning but keep with me; and, as i am typically a bit more colorful, i'll try to put this in language that won't make you think that i absolutely hate myself.]


i despise the way my body looks because of my weight. while this fact has not kept me from dating, or hanging out with friends or my non-dating confidence per se... it is beginning to weigh on my conscience (pun intended) more and more and more. i don't like it. and this may be more information than you care to know, but i don't even like it when i take off my shirt. this weekend, i was at a movie with some of my friends. i won't tell you which movie it is, because i'm completely disturbed by the fact that i actually went and saw this movie. let's just say the plot involved a typical Hollywood-movie romance. i'm fairly strong-minded and strong-emotioned about romance movies and this one was horrifically worse than i have ever seen.


but, it sparked within my mind [and it may have to do with being broken up with recently] something that truly pissed me off about my life: i don't care about a lot of stuff. well, let me be more specific... i don't care enough about a lot of stuff to do anything about it. id est, my looks, taking care of myself, being a healthy sleeper


well, that realization was all i really needed i guess. i made some immediate changes which i won't burden you with. they mostly have to do with physical, mental and spiritual health.


i don't know if i'll keep doing the changes everyday, but i want to end up with the changed being the norm rather than the exception.


so there we have it. an a-ha moment that led to immediate change... let's hope the change turns into permanent. or at least, into good habit.


and for good measure, a snippet of a conversation i had last summer with a stranger:
Me: How are you today, sir?
Elderly Man: [God] woke me up this morning, I'm doing great! Now, I've got a lot of shit to do and I won't get all of it done. But I got to wake up this morning, so I'm doing fine.


 
 
 
 
 
 
ssdd,
levi

a few quotes

the following two quotes i ran across in recent months and they both seem appropriate to my life. for reasons i'm not completely sure of just yet...

"This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries... in the end, what does it matter when the human heart can only find meaning in the smallest of moments?"

"There's two kinds of people in this world when you boil it all down. You've got your talkers and you've got your doers. Most people are just talkers. All they got is talk. But when all is said and done, it's the doers who change the world. And when they do that, they change us. And that's why we never forget them. So, which one are you? Do you just talk about it or do you stand up and do something about it? Because believe you me, all the rest of it is just coffeehouse bullshit."

the first is from the TV series Heroes and the second is from the movie Boondock Saints II.




school starts next week! i'll be glad to have something to do again...



ssdd,
levi


.

things learned in 2010

about 6 years ago i made a New Year's resolution of "no more New Year's resolutions" and i've kept it ever since. soooo, since i don't do resolutions, i'm doing a post about what i learned or re-learned in the year 2010: happy, sad, difficult and everything in between.

and some of these may seem rather simple... actually most of them probably will, but that's the joy of life... sometimes the simplest lessons are the hardest to integrate.

in 2010, i learned that...

1. i am (extraordinarily) introverted, but being around other people keeps me grounded and my head out of the clouds

2. i miss seeing my family a lot

3. no job or person is so important that you should sacrifice yourself so much that you lose who you are and what you believe in

4. i'm just as and no more important as anyone else... so i need to take care of myself but not think that i deserve something any more than anyone else

5. my life is rather unbalanced

6. people will lie to you and lie and lie and lie

7. my dogs love me like nobody's business... and that this helps me get through a lot of stuff

8. something that's important or difficult for you may be really simple for someone else, that this can cause a lot of frustration and that it's ok that it causes frustration

9. having a friend who will tell you "no" when everybody else is too chicken enough to tell you "no" is fantastic

10. turning the daily humdrum of life into something fantastic is much easier with people you love than trying to do it by yourself

and 11th one for good luck:

11. life is better outside J




ssdd,
levi

a quick update

well, i need to be studying for my final tomorrow morning, but... this is more fun at the moment. sorry i've been absent for a while, but life kind of got in the way. school ends tomorrow (officially) for the semester with my one final at 9:00 AM.

with my first semester a breath away from being over, i can say: it was a good one. i'm not disappointed with my first semester. my good grades may have something to do with it, but i enjoyed it overall.

now a turn for the serious. having a friend leave your life is difficult. i am careful (and picky, quelle surprise...) about who i call friend and am very set in my ways about what friendship is. a friend of mine and i parted ways this autumn. i won't go into the details because, well, it's personal and i'm not the only one involved. as bad as it is to lose a friend, it is very good to gain that friend back. :)

i also came to a realization during my absence from blogging. i like knowing stuff. it makes me crazy when i do not... but once i find out what i want to know - happy as a clam. communication is a tricky thing. and even i'm getting tired of blogging about it, but it really is about perception. if i say the word "chair" an image comes to your mind and to mine. i guarantee that while your chair and my chair will, in essence, have all the necessary qualities to be called "chair"... they will most likely look very different. that's the point of perception... i've thought of an old captain's chair and you've thought of a rocking chair. you don't know that i've thought of a captain's chair unless i tell you and i don't know you've thought of a rocking chair unless you tell me. we all live on the same world, breath the same air... why don't we learn how to communicate/relate better than we do? we all have our reasons. mine is that i'm scared most of the time about it. but i have to get over that, just as we should all get over our reasons.

i go to confession at my church. not very often, but i do. one thing my priest told me before i made my first confession (as i was scared to do so) is that having sat for confessions for the last 30-odd years, there is one thing that he has found in common: it's all the same shit (yes, he used that word). he went on to say that if people just realized that what they do isn't that different from what others do, it'd be a lot easier to share.

i don't mean to completely liken relating to one another to confessing... but i think it is similar. i'm always scared to share, but i think that if i just realize that there's a lot more the same between me and whoever... it'd be easier.

life is too short to be scared all the time.




on my death bed, i think i'd like to look back and see that i was willing to share myself with others even if it was difficult and painful to do so... rather than look back and be "satisfied" that i protected myself all the time and went through life not making any deep connection with others.

what keeps you?

ssdd,
levi

got no feel, i got no rhythm... i just keep losing my beat

note: i know this is vague, but... not everybody needs to know exactly what past event i'm talking about to understand what i'm trying convey.


i know i've written on this before, but i rarely say that i have regrets. very, very few things i would go back and change about what's happened or what i've done. but most of those are with the idea that i would know then what i know now and that seems rather short-sighted. yes, hindsight is 20/20. and i often say that i am fine with past mistakes and happenings because without them i would not be where i am right now... and overall, i like where i am... mostly.

but there is something i would go back and change. whole-heartedly i say that i would.

sometimes something that has happened can have such a restricting and deafening effect. it colors everything similarly occurring or related based on it. i know rather well all of the psychological conversations on perception, faulty processing and blah blah blah. but, really, my perception is my reality - faulty or not. sometimes past happenings raise the bar of expectations or lower it. what's fun is when a little bit of both happen.

i can't shake this one (well, maybe i won't and that's possible). it's become a reference point for many things and that's disheartening.


it's as if i was waiting for traffic to end to make a left turn, made the left turn when i didn't see any traffic... but got hit by another car. and now, i'm scared to make left turns. and it's as if when i went to China, ate authentic Chinese food and didn't want to eat at Chinese restaurants when i got back to the States.

i'm sure that last part was more than confusing.



all this to say, given the chance... i would go back and do it differently. while i like where i am overall, i don't like being at this particular place within that. and i don't like that i don't like it.


ssdd,
levi

And I try and I try and I try

But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe

(you are the only thing in any room you're ever in)

caution: cliché and sappy thanksgiving post ahead.

today is especially wonderful.

i got to spend time with my family. i got to spend time with my gorgeous nieces.
i want to talk about what i am thankful for because i rarely do so publicly; not on purpose, but only because i'm inordinately internal.

although, i guess i should correct what i just said because i do not want to talk about what i am thankful for, but who i am thankful for:
(Herman), (Lucile), (Albert Sr.), (Ruby), Albert Jr., Cherri, James, Malinda, Lexi, Jesse, Leslie, Allie, Trent, Vanessa, Sheila, Ryan, Matthew, Brenda, Duane, Les, Jami, Daisy, Scott, Charla C, Brittany W, Michael and Paul, Kamesha H, Brandt E, Cathy C, Chris M, Deb C, Ellie W, Eric and Sherrill M, Heather S, Paul and Jill M, Dwight and Jean, Mike and Emily C, Jordan and Meredith B, Jennifer L, Christopher C, Jessica H, Jordan F, Kristen B, Kristin P, Matt L, Megan B, Andrew and Alyse F, Katie C and Deilia and Elie (my two dogs!).

i wish i could list everyone...

all of the people in my life are amazing... and frustrating. but that's life and relationships. i'm thankful for each person. i consider it a good week when anyone i am close to and i have not killed each other.

in response to a question about what it means to be married, my priest said, "to be able to live with each other and not kill each other." i think that applies to any close relationship between any two people. being close with anyone, family or friend, is hard. it takes work. being friends isn't easy. being family isn't easy. well, sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't. i'm thankful it's difficult sometimes. otherwise, if life and relationships were all sunshine, pancakes and lollipops then it wouldn't be as meaningful.

so, here's to another week of not killing each other...
the world would not be what it is without you.
i love you all.



ssdd,
levi

i'll never know what you have shown to other eyes...

surprise! both of my papers have been turned in and i'm awaiting for my 6:00 PM class to begin and i have just enough time to type out a little something.

my brain is officially fried, so i'll be entertaining you with some song lyrics from an artist that is very near to my heart. i say that because this song expresses perfectly how i've been feeling for the past four months.
______________________________________________________________________

Go or Go Ahead
by Rufus Wainwright

Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but
What has happened to love


Got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evenings looking at stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
What has happened to love


So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fair-grounds and rebel angels
Can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Heaven's invention, steel eyed vampires of love

You see over me,
I'll never know what you've shown to other eyes

(Chorus)
Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me

 No Where’s now here smelling of junipers
Fell off the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But oh Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic powers of love


Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying

Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
And surprise me


Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
And just try me


______________________________________________________________________
sometimes my thoughts are completely in music... this is one of those times.


ssdd,
levi

dynamite with a laser beam... guaranteed to blow your mind (anytime)

well, next week is a KILLER for me at school and there will not be a post :(.

so i'm going to have this quick update for this week with random thoughts:

- i saw last night a man drinking WHILE driving for the first time ever. i am well aware of drinking then driving but while driving?? i feel like this should be when Seth Meyers on SNL would say, "Really?!"

- a few weeks ago i came across what can best be described as a moped (as opposed to biker) gang. they were sitting at a red light revving their engines and everything. and except for wearing leather jackets and boots they were wearing fashionable scarfs and sensible loafers. no, i didn't make any of that up. it really happened.

- on the same day as i saw Hell's Vespas, i was at another stop light and saw this 4 or 5 year boy running around the front of a grocery store with a bucket on his head. he was running around screaming his head off and laughing in delight. after seeing this, i was more than jealous at his ability to be so easily entertained.

- by no means do i miss my last job... but i miss working. only a little bit though.

- earlier this week i spent approximately 1 entire hour on YouTube looking at videos of baby's laughing. few things in this life bring me complete happiness and this is one of them.

- even though "be careful what you wish for" has been over-used... it's true.

- i'm addicted to movies. there, i said it. i really am though. there's only one genre of movies that i refuse to watch (romance/romantic comedies)... other than that, it's fair game.

- i think that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of the funniest shows in the history of time: "You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out."

- while i used to have some rosy thoughts about daylight savings time, i don't like it anymore. i want more daylight.

- and some wisdom to close things out:

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. - George Bernard Shaw

In every human being you encounter, there will be far more to celebrate than to denigrate. - Elie Wiesel

ssdd,
levi

"just take the path to Nothing, and go Nowhere until you reach it"

well, i felt badly for writing a post that was not for everyone to read so, imma gonna post another one for everyone.

i was going through some old things today in my humble apartment and ran across an old journal of mine. it was from when i was in high school. it was... almost embarrassing to read it. most of my entries written in that journal back then were, well, just plain embarrassing. but i came across one entry that in the midst of my youthful angst was this quote:

"I have always thought the actions of a man to be the best interpreter of his thoughts."

in the entry i did not write down who said this, but google.com tells me that it was spoken by John Locke. i don't remember where i came across this quote in high school; nor do i remember ever reading John Locke in high school at any length or depth. but, there the quote sits in my journal.

i have to say though, i love this quote. once in university, i got into a "discussion" about the essence of who a person is. my friend, and for the sake of keeping the "innocent" anonymous i'll not mention a name, said that he firmly believed that our actions defined who we are. he gave the example of crimes committed... a person who steals things is a stealer, a person who kills is a murderer, etc. likewise, he opined that a person who performs music is a musician.

this feels a bit like the old paradox of which came first the chicken or the egg, but i think he's a bit correct and a bit incorrect.

what we do is a reflection of what we think and who we are. do our actions have an effect on how we think? i think so. well, maybe a better answer on my part is: i hope they do. but do they have an effect so far as to say that they define us? i hope not. after all, we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. and we are not the sum of our parts, as far as i am concerned. but i digress... back to the quote.


i think/believe that our actions are a direct reflection of our thoughts: good, bad, beautiful, ugly.

and i'm gonna tie this in with last weeks post because that topic is still on my mind. i also think that our actions show what we want. i know that circumstance can play as big a part as our thoughts when it comes to actions.

i keep mentioning things a lot of other people say, but "the ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit" according to W. Somerset Maugham...

when i went to university my sister wrote me a letter giving me advice about things she had learned during her undergrad. towards the end she wrote that, and this is a paraphrase, people show who they are in the every day things that they do... in how they speak, how they dress, how they brush their teeth, how they walk, etc. i think that overall, our actions show others (and ourselves for that matter) who we really are. i also think that this is an incomplete picture, but it is a glimpse nonetheless.

every day, every interaction and every action is a chance to see who someone is. every day others show us who they are. not in whole, but in part.

any time spent with someone, any text message, any phone call, any conversation, any hug, any kiss, any handshake, ad nauseum is an opportunity. only two things can interrupt these opportunities: not spending time with people or not paying attention. we each have control over both.

so... pay attention.



ssdd,
levi

put the light back in my eyes

follow the link for this particular post and use the password provided:

http://exclusivealternatives.wordpress.com/

i swam across, i jumped across for you

well, on October 24 alone i had 30 pageviews. i've either become very popular, have a stalker or have been a victim of spam.

anyways, this week's topic is a glimpse into how i operate. and before sharing with the group i have a few provisos:

1) i mean to define "is" as "in more cases/instances than not"... even though people made fun of Bill Clinton for doing so, defining "is"... is important.

2) this post will sound really self-centered, but read through all of it before you make a judgement about it.

3) keep in mind that i don't always operate this way, but that it is a striving of mine to do so.

4) i know that a lot of this could be dumped into a "semantics" problem... but if no one knows how someone defines a word that they use, how will we know what they really mean.



if i ever do anything it is always tied to a want or desire to do it. in other words, i don't do anything i don't want to do. i've thought about this a lot in contrast to saying "i need to _______." a lot of people use the word "need" when they really mean to use "want." i think the same is true of "have to." something my high school psychology teacher said was that we did not have to come to class. several students in the class chimed in with, "uhh, yeah we do." she explained that we physically do not have to come to class. when people say that they need i think it is (in more instances than not) directly tied to a want.

exempli gratia, take going to the grocery store: I need to go to the store [to buy things to eat].
- why?
because i need to eat.
- why?
so, i can live, if i don't eat, i'll die.
so, you want to live... therefore you eat.

yes, staying alive is important and in order to prevent yourself from dying of hunger you need (id est: it is a requirement) to eat... but that need is directly tied to not dying and you wanting to not die from hunger is not.

i know this example sounds rather elementary, but it was only to show what i mean. what becomes more complicated is when it involves friends or family... or something equally as important. i've been thinking about need vs. want for a very, very long time and by no means do i use it every time. i think this is important because whenever i do something (spend time with someone, text someone, spend time with someone, say something to someone, pay for a meal at a restaurant for a friend, listen to someone talk about what's bothering them, going to class, obeying the speed limit) it's because i want to do it... because i have a desire to do that thing. on the flip side, for example, i don't want to do something for someone if i don't mean it. i think doing things that way (actions without desire) turns any gesture or action into something cheap and hollow.

for me, it was important to find the connection for what i viewed as a "need" to something that i "want." it was important to search my own thoughts to figure out what was going on. i don't want to do anything that is empty, but i don't have to and i don't need to. as i'm so fond of saying, the only things that i have to do are be white and die.

i'd rather be 100% behind what i'm doing than any other percent.


so, hopefully, whenever i'm doing something... it's because i want to do it.





i also don't want you to think too harshly about me after reading this J

ssdd,
levi

do not let the past remind us of what we are not now

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging..."

- Chris McCandless

that quote is from a book called Into the Wild by John Krakauer who wrote about Chris McCandless leaving his life and going on a journey across wilderness, among other places. his story was turned into a movie starring Emile Hirsch.

i like this quote a lot and it has been on my mind lately.

in more situations that not, change in a life occurs when an individual causes the change. there's an illustration, or i guess it could be called a parable, that my sister told me about once:

Jim prayed every day to God that he would win the lottery. Every single day without fail, he prayed that he would win the lottery. Even into his old age, he prayed for a win. Once he died and went to heaven, he stood before God he asked, "God, I prayed to you every day of my life to win the lottery and did not answer my prayer! Was I not faithful enough? Should I have prayed more for it?" And God simply replied, "Well, Jim, you could have at least bought a lottery ticket."

before us each day is a chance to change... and i don't mean a change for happiness, necessarily but a change for the better.

it takes courage to go after what is wanted. but it takes even more courage to after what is needed.

so, i say to myself: how do you expect your life to change unless you change?

ssdd,

levi

small update

well, this week was crazy for me at school with a big paper due and a mid term test... sorry (to my 2 - 3 readers).

i don't have too much to write about this week though... my thoughts are in many places.


sometimes you just have to keep going and things will get better. one of my friends in college had a poster in his dorm that had the words "Keep on truckin'" on it and those words seem to be overly appropriate for me.

new commitments keep me going sometimes.
people keep me going all-times.


i need a little bit of both right now.



ssdd,
levi

and i lost my head... and thought of all the stupid things i'd said

the last year of my life has had a lot, and i mean a lot, of endings. some beginnings, a few middles... but mostly endings.



as you can imagine, endings are always difficult for me. and no, i'm not talking about ending facebook.




i hate endings. hate. changing something - that i can deal with well eventually. but endings always take longer.
endings that i have a hand or say in and endings that i do not have a say in are practically the same in terms of emotions.


i know that i wrote about this last time, but i have to hear it again: life is short. really short. death (of a person or of whatever) can come when you least expect it, let alone when you least want it. it's funny to me that people use "lifetime" as a measure of something that lasts a long time. the reality is that a lifetime is a drop in the ocean. i don't mean to imply that a lifetime is unimportant or menial. a lifetime being short is, in my opinion, part of what makes it valuable.


i know, i know... i repeat myself. we all have a short time together. every day is important. all we get is today. and sometimes we don't even get all of that. sometimes it can all come to a crashing hault.


today is here. and it's the only thing that is.




ssdd,
levi

a repeat and an echo

i have two stories to share. one is a story about my father that i have shared before and the second is something that my father wrote.


the only reason i'm sharing them is because i need to hear them. and really that is the only reason i write anything on here... so i can externalize something that i've been internalizing.


the story is also posted on my November 15, 2007 post, but i'll put here to make thinks easier:

i was a junior in high school (2001-2002).
the class was Algebra II.
the assignment was to interview someone who had a job that involved mathematics.
i interviewed my dad, a lawyer.

we were given a set of questions to ask. the last of which was, "What is the most difficult part of your job?"

my dad's answer has stuck with me to this day and has grossly shaped how i handle any situation that involves other people:
"The hardest part of my job is convincing my clients that there is another side to the story."

i went on to write:

in other words, no matter what the situation, the circumstance, the person... what you see or perceive may not be all there is.

we all, at some point, have to come to terms with the idea that our perception of how-things-are could be, and probably is, an incomplete perception. well, i guess we don't have to. but, we should.

sometimes when i have been hurt it is very difficult to even want to see things from the other person's perspective. i don't have the full picture, and neither does anyone else. this somewhat ties in with my post last time about perception and perspectives. the catch here is that for me, it's not always enough for me to remember that others will have a different side of their story... for me i always want to know what that side is.


now, the something that my father wrote. my brother, Jamie, posted this as a note on his Facebook and it struck me rather deeply. and i promise that i'll tie this in with the beginning of this post... keep with me:

I remember when Jamie was a little kid and we would go the the store. Jamie would insist upon putting money into the gumball machines in order to obtain some trinket that he HAD to have. Once I dug out my pocket the necessary change for my son to obtain his “treasure”, he would rush up and spend said money. More often than not, Jamie would be upset because the trinket or bauble he received was not what he wanted. Or, he would discard or forget about his treasure that he HAD to have within a short amount of time.

Many times, we spend our days in the same manner. We wake up, take the kids to school, go to work, go to the store, etc. and “spend” our time in pursuit of our daily “treasure” that we absolutely HAVE to have. At the end of the day, not happy with our trinket or discarding it as trash shortly thereafter.

Each day is like that dime Jamie would spend in the gumball machines. Do not waste your dime, because once you spend your dime, its gone. Treasure each item each day gives you, whether it’s a gumball that is juicy and fruity for only a short time or some sparkly ring that shines only for a day. At least it if tasty or shiny for a day. The machine could give you a pile a crap, or cancer, or shoot your best friend on the side of the road. Do not forget to cherish those small joys in life.

(for those of you who don't appreciate cursing, get ready)









life is too fucking short. it really is. there is so much out there that we don't experience because we spend our days going after bullshit that doesn't matter. i use the word bullshit because that's how valuable that stuff is compared to what we could experience. now, i'm not saying that life won't have its share of bad times or relationships. what i am saying is that we choose shitty things over beautiful things. i choose shitty things over beautiful things.


losing what we love (ie: friends, co-workers) to whatever puts things into perspective for me. i'm tired of arguing with life over what i want to be beautiful when really it is shit. plain ol' shit.

jar of hearts

well, i would first like to extend a gracious "thank you" to the wonderful persons who brought my page views from zero up to 78! any traffic is good traffic :) also, i find it funny that i have hits from Canada, Russia, Germany, Taiwan, Latvia and Nigeria... oh, and from South Korea (but i know who that is).




this past week has been.... a roller coaster ride, to say the least. very emotional times with losing some things (read: people) that cannot be replaced. it reminded me that each person's perspective is that person's reality. my perspective is my reality. your perspective is your reality. the important part comes in remembering (which i had to force myself to remember this) to not mistake the limits of your perception as the limits of the world.
 
 
that being said, i want to talk about something slightly political. and i may piss off a few people... but please remember that i mean no harm.
 
today, the Senate voted down an attempt to bring DADT into debate. GLBT/LGBT issues are on the forefront of a lot of discussions. the fact it is an election year is probably to "blame," but it is important.
 
i want to start with a lot of caveats because i don't want anyone to mistake what (or how) i say for what it is not. and i also don't want anyone to think that by disagreeing with what they've said is, by any means, me disagreeing with the key issue.
 
- i believe that DADT should be repealed
- i'm not a democrat
- i'm not a republican
- i don't hate the US military, i support it
- i believe that everyone has the right to have a belief and to express it
 
ok. here we go.
 
i understand why it is upsetting that the Senate voted this down. GLBT/LGBT persons are, on a daily basis, discriminated against. sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes in big ways. but it is still discrimination. i get rather perturbed and rather often whenever there's a news story that comes up and there are comments like "I can't believe that with one stroke of a pen, this judge is going against a majority vote of the state!!" and like "It's about time! The Republican'ts are trying to bring us back the 1950s." i find issue with the thoughts behind both of these comments.
 
i firmly advocate that the existence of any one right of any one person should not be decided by a majority vote. (i'll go ahead and connect the dots) if that were so, then minorities would have no rights. in my 8th grade civics class, my teacher taught us something that i think has been lost: the majority vote decides what America does, but it should never be at the cost of the minority.
 
now, here's the clincher: i have no issues with the Senate voting against bringing up the debate on DADT today. (don't get angry yet...) i think we need to be patient. yes, there are many serving in the military right this moment that are GLBT/LGBT that have to hide who they are and there are those who have been kicked out, "dishonorably" so, because their sexual identity came to be known. i'm in favor of waiting for the survey that has been sent out to those actually serving in the military. the people it will directly effect, and not just the GLBT persons, has to be considered. if this is done too quickly and without much planning and without much careful thought, it could be disastrous. for everybody. we have to be in this together, or it won't work. i'm not saying that if we should wait, think carefully and have exact planning that it will absolutely go right. but, i'd rather caution on the side of preparedness.
 
yes, GLBT/LGBT persons are being treated as de facto second class. but, we are not the only ones that will be effected by this. Lady Gaga, of whom musically i am not a fan, said that the new law should be "If you don't like it, go home." to me, this is nearly as bad as sending home gays from the military. if someone believes that being gay is wrong... they have every right to believe it. but they should not receive the same treatment as gays in the military now get.
 
so, this is turning into a much longer post that i anticipated. so, i'll go ahead and give a conclusion.
 
we need to be patient. but we also need to be consistent in our response to DADT. every person matters and every person in the military will be effected by this. not just the heterosexuals. not just the homosexuals. everyone. it is not going to be easy if and when DADT is repealed... but we can work with each other to make sure it goes easier. now i'll bring in my tie-in from the beginning of my post. perspectives matter. and i'm saying this more to myself because i need to hear it right now more than ever: don't mistake the limits your perspective as the limits of the world (or of other people).
 
 
 
levi

out (and about)

well, since it's been approximately two full years since i've written a blog post, you may have to forgive me if i'm a bit rusty. and this one will be a bit heavy, at least for me. the subject matter is something that i have never discussed publicly... ever.

i'm writing about this now because i've told the people in my life that i have wanted to tell.

one of the most important dates in my life is October 9, 2007. it was a long struggle to get to that day. i was overly depressed and had been crying on and off all day. this was also a time when i wrote profusely. so, late at night, i started writing. i didn't even know what i was really writing about -- i just started writing. once my thoughts had run their course on the page, the truth came out. i even this it was written on the paper before the thought even really entered my mind:
"i am gay" is what i wrote. and that was that. i didn't tell anyone for a while.

i am gay. and i'm proud of it. and it took me a long time to be able to write that second sentence and mean it. from coming out to myself to today has been quite a journey as well. even though i had admitted to myself i was gay, i did not accept it. but that came later... i was sitting with someone the following Spring and was talking with them about being gay. they asked me, "are you disappointed that you're gay?" my answer was "no," but what surprised me was that i answered without hesitation.

i also think that this is an ongoing process. coming out ever day and accepting it every day. not knowing what the hell is going on with you and then subsequently hiding it once you've figured it out for several years is horrific and it takes a lot of time to heal from that.

for one Christmas, my sister -- after i had come out to her -- gave me a book about coming out. among the few things that stuck with me after reading the book, one of them makes so much sense now being on the other side of coming out completely: the pain of coming out never outweighs the pain of staying in the closet.

October 9, 2010 will mark three years. it took three long years to finish the entire process of coming out for me. but, the ability to be who you are... is wonderful.

back in full force...

now that i have time to have a life (and now that i have a computer of my own), i've decided to start blogging again. even if no one reads it... i'll still post.


i'm excited about this because i take joy in writing. and there's a lot to write about now.

now, i should be in bed...

but, what's a late night between friends?

this weather we're having here in Dallas, Texas has somehow awoken -- and to be completely honest, i'm not sure that's a word -- inside of me certain feelings. largely feelings of nostalgia, loneliness, and, as an added bonus, a touch of hopelessness.

this lovely, mid- to high-70 degree weather coupled with ample clear skies, ignites deep within me a strong, overbearing desire to be outside. however, to be outside with someone who is special to me. now, before you get your mind up and running thinking that i have a particular person in mind, i will tell you to not let that thought keep going; i have no one person in mind. this feeling is a rather ambiguous and general one. it is just a raw emotion to be outside, enjoying this weather with a significant other.

now, this is where Loneliness rears its ugly and unwelcome head... menacing me with its disdainful whispers and dire need for company. i feel this great need to be in the presence of someone who would make my heart beat faster, but, as it is obvious, i have not in this area. i am well aware of the statements many of you would -- and have -- made about me finding someone like this. you may save them for the next pity party i have scheduled for next Thursday.

and, Loneliness, after he has all but settled into the spare bedroom of my mind, he is lonely and calls his friend Hopelessness. but, that is neither here nor there; and i digress.

The sun is out,
The sky is blue.
It's beautiful;
and so are you.

purpose

last night, i watched part of an episode of Planet Earth. it was an episode about caves. the portion i saw was concerning caves that are completely filled with water and flow out into the sea. in this particular cave there were, of course, many creatures living. it was probably the Sullen Sally or Pragmatic Patrick inside of me that then asked this question of the creatures which live in these caves: what is their purpose?

what is their purpose? they live in this cave their entire life. they either die of natural causes or get preyed upon by the next creature up in the food chain. most, if not all, live and die in those caves. now, i could buy into some "ecosystem" argument if argued well enough, but... really, what is their purpose? they live, eat, swim, and die. this is their existence. no emotions. no thought. no love.

like some fat loser, and like i was watching some stupid human interest piece about a kitten with no hind legs... i started feeling a connection between me and these damn fish. well, firstly, i started projecting my own feelings of purposelessness (and i'm certain that one's not a word) upon these fish. then i started to identify with how i saw their existence.

but they are not without purpose. even if no one ever discovered that they existed... they have a purpose. i offer to you zero proof to back up this belief. this is where i tell Pragmatic Patrick to get off. purpose is not founded upon such cut and dry definitions of what is able to be offered -- and seen as "useful" -- by that one thing or being to the rest of existence. an efficiency and task driven existence allows for little else.

there used to be a Steak and Shake commercial about their hand spun milkshakes. the cute little number they had pretending be one of their waitresses said (warning, not a verbatim quote), "People often ask us why we hand spin our milkshakes instead of doing it faster like the other guys. Our response is: when was the last time you tasted a shake and said, 'Mmmm. That tastes... efficient.' "