out (and about)

well, since it's been approximately two full years since i've written a blog post, you may have to forgive me if i'm a bit rusty. and this one will be a bit heavy, at least for me. the subject matter is something that i have never discussed publicly... ever.

i'm writing about this now because i've told the people in my life that i have wanted to tell.

one of the most important dates in my life is October 9, 2007. it was a long struggle to get to that day. i was overly depressed and had been crying on and off all day. this was also a time when i wrote profusely. so, late at night, i started writing. i didn't even know what i was really writing about -- i just started writing. once my thoughts had run their course on the page, the truth came out. i even this it was written on the paper before the thought even really entered my mind:
"i am gay" is what i wrote. and that was that. i didn't tell anyone for a while.

i am gay. and i'm proud of it. and it took me a long time to be able to write that second sentence and mean it. from coming out to myself to today has been quite a journey as well. even though i had admitted to myself i was gay, i did not accept it. but that came later... i was sitting with someone the following Spring and was talking with them about being gay. they asked me, "are you disappointed that you're gay?" my answer was "no," but what surprised me was that i answered without hesitation.

i also think that this is an ongoing process. coming out ever day and accepting it every day. not knowing what the hell is going on with you and then subsequently hiding it once you've figured it out for several years is horrific and it takes a lot of time to heal from that.

for one Christmas, my sister -- after i had come out to her -- gave me a book about coming out. among the few things that stuck with me after reading the book, one of them makes so much sense now being on the other side of coming out completely: the pain of coming out never outweighs the pain of staying in the closet.

October 9, 2010 will mark three years. it took three long years to finish the entire process of coming out for me. but, the ability to be who you are... is wonderful.