sometimes

sometimes i wish i had more to say than, "i am here."

but, most of the time i do not.






i am here.

prayer

"I have come to the conclusion that when all is said and done, the only real prayer I can say is that of the blind beggar in the gospels, 'Lord Jesus, that I may receive my sight'. Let me see the real root cause of that spiritual sophistication which separates me from God. Let me see God's real presence encompassing me, enfolding me, always everywhere. Let me see wherever I am or whatever I am doing, whether I feel tired or excited, angry or amused, a success or a failure, fed up or enthusiastic, a bundle of nerves or calm and quiet, miserable or happy, optimistic or in despair, whatever it may be, let me see that all I have to do is to turn simply to God and say, 'Hello, it is me'. There is no need to stand on ceremony because I am at home in my Father's house. And there is no need to keep up appearances by pretending that I am a worse person than I am, or even a better person, because God knows what I am like infinitely better than I do myself. 'Hello, it is me, Your old friend and Your old enemy, Your loving friend who often neglects You, Your complicated friend, Your utterly perplexed and decidedly resentful friend, partly loving, partly hating, partly not caring. It is me'."

The Simplicity of Prayer, H. A. Williams, C.R.

my most recent fortune cookie

"A faithful friend is a strong defense."









one of my readers will know how true that is. though, i am sure others will also understand...

a couple of stories

one is pleasant, the other serious.

story one:

i was sitting at a red light, patiently waiting for it to turn green... happily satisfied with my lane choice (the far left lane, right next the turn lane). the Coldplay song i was listening to was politely interrupted by a "Excuse me, sir?" the elderly lady in the car to my left then continued, "May I get in front of you when the light turns green?" i responded, "Of course!" it was the most pleasant driving experience i've ever encountered... and it was rather refreshing for a jaded-small-town driver like myself. the light turned green and i allowed the kind lady in front of me. i drove away from the intersection feeling rather hopeful about the world.

story the other:

i had a wonderful chat with the priest of the parish i've been attending. i spoke with him about some more of my past. specifically about my depression and prayer. i tried my best to explain the nature of my depression to him and the nature of my prayers concerning it... and how they have changed over the years.

he spoke with me about my prayers and it was encouraging. however, he said that he is not in the business of making me feel better... he is in the business of bringing me closer to YHWH. he even preceded what he said with a caveat, which was taken into consideration... but i knew that what he was about to say would be good for me whether or not i wanted to hear it. he said that, perhaps, my depression is God's way of making me holy and that it might not ever change (see ref: St Terese of Avila). i'm brave enough to write that i immediately began weeping. even if this turns out to be not true, it is possible. a possibility i have to learn to accept. i know this next phrase will perhaps ruin my post by being overly sentimental... but Green Day might have been right... "Don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time."


i'm ready.

reflections

- sometimes the most well intentioned people can be the most harmful.

- at the end of the day, i look at the day's events one by one and wonder what i could have done differently. and a lot of the time i quit half way through.

- i like the scars i have from my childhood injuries. it makes me feel like it was somewhat normal.

- my strangest dreams occur just as i am waking up for the day and i often have trouble discerning them from reality.

- many people think i'm rather smart... which is rather puzzling as i've never felt like i am nor have i ever felt like i have acted as though i am.

- i like to fall asleep reading.

- i feel most comfortable when it is quiet... and i am in bed... and have just come out of a deep sleep... just before dawn.

- i have a particularly good long term memory and often hear a friend or family member tell the same story twice. but, i rarely stop them from telling it again. i love the sound of the voices of my family and friends.

- when i learn that my family has gathered or is gathering without me... i usually get pretty sad about it.

- i grew up in the same town and same house my entire life. usually, when i share this the listener is quite impressed. i used to be jealous of people who moved around a lot. i'm not anymore.

- i use the number keypad on the right side of the keyboard exclusively. i never use the numbers that are above the letters. i'm not sure why this is so.

I'm just a regular guy...

...who has lost a considerable amount of weight since the New Year. On this day i am 30 pounds lighter than i was January 3rd. and i feel fine bragging about it. why? because i feel skinnier. and it feels pretty damn good.

i began reading Marcus Aurelius' Meditations. fairly interesting so far. i think many people don't understand the Stoics... and i was one of them. so far, and i may be incorrect, it seems as though they advocate constancy of character, despite circumstances, through "self-government" (self-discipline) and detatchment from events. not in a way that encourages no emotion... but in a way that encourages constancy of character.

also, i've been thinking a lot about a certain passage in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5.33-37):

"Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil."

this passage first came to my distinct attention when i took the required ethics class in college. we were, apparently so, talking about honesty... truth-telling... lying... etc. and the professor (good ol' Byron) asked us why people seem to find it necessary to say the phrase "i promise." most of the responses were "to show you really mean what you say." and his response, in light of the passage we had just read, was, "why should we have to say that?" i felt rather convicted. and i do now again. i hope that my word becomes so certain that do not have to use the phrase "i promise" just to prove myself to be reliable.

i find honesty to be a rather complex discipline. it seems a lot less black and white than a lot make it out to be. not as in: what is wrong and right. but more along the lines of: what is appropriate? is there a guideline for what is appropriate and when is it so? i'm sure it's more of a mindset of approach rather than a checklist. a mindset sounds more appealing anyway...



i long so much for a simpler life. one where i don't have to drive everywhere i wish to go; or work to pay bills so i can work; or live in a town whose vocabulary doesn't include "courteous" or "kind" or even "civility." and i'm not just referring to the traffic.

though, there are few who make the concrete jungle of a world worth it.

forgive my ramblings,
alc

the kingdom of God (KOG)

it has been a while since i've posted. though... i am certain people don't read this. perhaps it is time to change this.

despite what i reveal in my actions... i am rather easily bothered. i think it is because deep down... i am an idealist -- though my actions are realist. i am sure most would label this as hypocrisy: thinking things should be one way and acting as though the way they are is fine. i would ask you to be less harsh. though prerogative belongs to you.

on xanga, a friend of mine posted a blog because he was upset with the current and unwanted (and unBiblical) mix of Christ's Kingdom and the American dream. in comment, someone responded in defense of the USA/KOG mix. usually, i am lackadaisical about what people believe and am riveted about the why [the reason] and how [the reasoning] behind that belief. briefly put: i don't care what you believe as long as you can defend it.

however, there is one area where this rule finds exception... and even in that case, it is, really, a more severe form of the rule.

before i broach the exception (though, you could probably correctly guess its identity at this point), i will present a proviso: "Because God told me" is a poor reason. i realize that God is more than capable of telling people whatever He jolly well pleases. unless God literally spoke to you in an audible voice... don't use that phrase. it carries with it extraordinarily large undertones that you probably don't intend to use. and besides, God sent an angel to the Mother of His Only Son to tell her about His Birth... so show some humility.

the exception:
America and its 'place' in the Kingdom of God.

i don't know what it is about the topic... but i get ready to throw down anytime i hear someone articulate their take on the nature of the relationship between our country and YHWH. the teachings of Christ and John and Paul seem to not lay the groundwork for such a close relationship between God and government. it is true that Romans 13 speaks to this:

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God.

yet, consider Revelation 18 and its plea:

Then I heard another voice from heaven saying,
‘Come out of her, my people,
so that you do not take part in her sins,
and so that you do not share in her plagues;
for her sins are heaped high as heaven,
and God has remembered her iniquities.
Render to her as she herself has rendered,
and repay her double for her deeds;
mix a double draught for her in the cup she mixed.
As she glorified herself and lived luxuriously,
so give her a like measure of torment and grief.
Since in her heart she says,
“I rule as a queen;
I am no widow,
and I will never see grief”,
therefore her plagues will come in a single day—
pestilence and mourning and famine—
and she will be burned with fire;
for mighty is the Lord God who judges her.’

And the kings of the earth, who committed fornication and lived in luxury with her, will weep and wail over her when they see the smoke of her burning; they will stand far off, in fear of her torment, and say,
‘Alas, alas, the great city,
Babylon, the mighty city!
For in one hour your judgement has come.’

before you think i'm transposing this onto America, please do not. "And the kings of the earth"... i am transposing this onto government. again, be patient with what you think about what i am explaining. i have been thinking about this type of 'contradiction' that presents itself many times in Scripture. i doubt that i am the only one to think on or believe this... but i believe that a theology (not the right word, still looking for it) of Delicate Balance is needed. i used to call it theology of moderation.

so, are we to respect government as it has been instituted and given authority by God? yes. are we to be wary of governments as they will be judged for their actions and affiliations with the Evil One? yes. it is a balance. do not be too disinterested nor should we be too involved.

forgive my ramblings,
alc