i swam across, i jumped across for you

well, on October 24 alone i had 30 pageviews. i've either become very popular, have a stalker or have been a victim of spam.

anyways, this week's topic is a glimpse into how i operate. and before sharing with the group i have a few provisos:

1) i mean to define "is" as "in more cases/instances than not"... even though people made fun of Bill Clinton for doing so, defining "is"... is important.

2) this post will sound really self-centered, but read through all of it before you make a judgement about it.

3) keep in mind that i don't always operate this way, but that it is a striving of mine to do so.

4) i know that a lot of this could be dumped into a "semantics" problem... but if no one knows how someone defines a word that they use, how will we know what they really mean.



if i ever do anything it is always tied to a want or desire to do it. in other words, i don't do anything i don't want to do. i've thought about this a lot in contrast to saying "i need to _______." a lot of people use the word "need" when they really mean to use "want." i think the same is true of "have to." something my high school psychology teacher said was that we did not have to come to class. several students in the class chimed in with, "uhh, yeah we do." she explained that we physically do not have to come to class. when people say that they need i think it is (in more instances than not) directly tied to a want.

exempli gratia, take going to the grocery store: I need to go to the store [to buy things to eat].
- why?
because i need to eat.
- why?
so, i can live, if i don't eat, i'll die.
so, you want to live... therefore you eat.

yes, staying alive is important and in order to prevent yourself from dying of hunger you need (id est: it is a requirement) to eat... but that need is directly tied to not dying and you wanting to not die from hunger is not.

i know this example sounds rather elementary, but it was only to show what i mean. what becomes more complicated is when it involves friends or family... or something equally as important. i've been thinking about need vs. want for a very, very long time and by no means do i use it every time. i think this is important because whenever i do something (spend time with someone, text someone, spend time with someone, say something to someone, pay for a meal at a restaurant for a friend, listen to someone talk about what's bothering them, going to class, obeying the speed limit) it's because i want to do it... because i have a desire to do that thing. on the flip side, for example, i don't want to do something for someone if i don't mean it. i think doing things that way (actions without desire) turns any gesture or action into something cheap and hollow.

for me, it was important to find the connection for what i viewed as a "need" to something that i "want." it was important to search my own thoughts to figure out what was going on. i don't want to do anything that is empty, but i don't have to and i don't need to. as i'm so fond of saying, the only things that i have to do are be white and die.

i'd rather be 100% behind what i'm doing than any other percent.


so, hopefully, whenever i'm doing something... it's because i want to do it.





i also don't want you to think too harshly about me after reading this J

ssdd,
levi

do not let the past remind us of what we are not now

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging..."

- Chris McCandless

that quote is from a book called Into the Wild by John Krakauer who wrote about Chris McCandless leaving his life and going on a journey across wilderness, among other places. his story was turned into a movie starring Emile Hirsch.

i like this quote a lot and it has been on my mind lately.

in more situations that not, change in a life occurs when an individual causes the change. there's an illustration, or i guess it could be called a parable, that my sister told me about once:

Jim prayed every day to God that he would win the lottery. Every single day without fail, he prayed that he would win the lottery. Even into his old age, he prayed for a win. Once he died and went to heaven, he stood before God he asked, "God, I prayed to you every day of my life to win the lottery and did not answer my prayer! Was I not faithful enough? Should I have prayed more for it?" And God simply replied, "Well, Jim, you could have at least bought a lottery ticket."

before us each day is a chance to change... and i don't mean a change for happiness, necessarily but a change for the better.

it takes courage to go after what is wanted. but it takes even more courage to after what is needed.

so, i say to myself: how do you expect your life to change unless you change?

ssdd,

levi

small update

well, this week was crazy for me at school with a big paper due and a mid term test... sorry (to my 2 - 3 readers).

i don't have too much to write about this week though... my thoughts are in many places.


sometimes you just have to keep going and things will get better. one of my friends in college had a poster in his dorm that had the words "Keep on truckin'" on it and those words seem to be overly appropriate for me.

new commitments keep me going sometimes.
people keep me going all-times.


i need a little bit of both right now.



ssdd,
levi

and i lost my head... and thought of all the stupid things i'd said

the last year of my life has had a lot, and i mean a lot, of endings. some beginnings, a few middles... but mostly endings.



as you can imagine, endings are always difficult for me. and no, i'm not talking about ending facebook.




i hate endings. hate. changing something - that i can deal with well eventually. but endings always take longer.
endings that i have a hand or say in and endings that i do not have a say in are practically the same in terms of emotions.


i know that i wrote about this last time, but i have to hear it again: life is short. really short. death (of a person or of whatever) can come when you least expect it, let alone when you least want it. it's funny to me that people use "lifetime" as a measure of something that lasts a long time. the reality is that a lifetime is a drop in the ocean. i don't mean to imply that a lifetime is unimportant or menial. a lifetime being short is, in my opinion, part of what makes it valuable.


i know, i know... i repeat myself. we all have a short time together. every day is important. all we get is today. and sometimes we don't even get all of that. sometimes it can all come to a crashing hault.


today is here. and it's the only thing that is.




ssdd,
levi