i swam across, i jumped across for you

well, on October 24 alone i had 30 pageviews. i've either become very popular, have a stalker or have been a victim of spam.

anyways, this week's topic is a glimpse into how i operate. and before sharing with the group i have a few provisos:

1) i mean to define "is" as "in more cases/instances than not"... even though people made fun of Bill Clinton for doing so, defining "is"... is important.

2) this post will sound really self-centered, but read through all of it before you make a judgement about it.

3) keep in mind that i don't always operate this way, but that it is a striving of mine to do so.

4) i know that a lot of this could be dumped into a "semantics" problem... but if no one knows how someone defines a word that they use, how will we know what they really mean.



if i ever do anything it is always tied to a want or desire to do it. in other words, i don't do anything i don't want to do. i've thought about this a lot in contrast to saying "i need to _______." a lot of people use the word "need" when they really mean to use "want." i think the same is true of "have to." something my high school psychology teacher said was that we did not have to come to class. several students in the class chimed in with, "uhh, yeah we do." she explained that we physically do not have to come to class. when people say that they need i think it is (in more instances than not) directly tied to a want.

exempli gratia, take going to the grocery store: I need to go to the store [to buy things to eat].
- why?
because i need to eat.
- why?
so, i can live, if i don't eat, i'll die.
so, you want to live... therefore you eat.

yes, staying alive is important and in order to prevent yourself from dying of hunger you need (id est: it is a requirement) to eat... but that need is directly tied to not dying and you wanting to not die from hunger is not.

i know this example sounds rather elementary, but it was only to show what i mean. what becomes more complicated is when it involves friends or family... or something equally as important. i've been thinking about need vs. want for a very, very long time and by no means do i use it every time. i think this is important because whenever i do something (spend time with someone, text someone, spend time with someone, say something to someone, pay for a meal at a restaurant for a friend, listen to someone talk about what's bothering them, going to class, obeying the speed limit) it's because i want to do it... because i have a desire to do that thing. on the flip side, for example, i don't want to do something for someone if i don't mean it. i think doing things that way (actions without desire) turns any gesture or action into something cheap and hollow.

for me, it was important to find the connection for what i viewed as a "need" to something that i "want." it was important to search my own thoughts to figure out what was going on. i don't want to do anything that is empty, but i don't have to and i don't need to. as i'm so fond of saying, the only things that i have to do are be white and die.

i'd rather be 100% behind what i'm doing than any other percent.


so, hopefully, whenever i'm doing something... it's because i want to do it.





i also don't want you to think too harshly about me after reading this J

ssdd,
levi