Tuesday, October 11, 2011

welcome back...

it has been a while hasn't it?

i realized how much i need to do this here recently. i might be a bit rusty since it has been since January since i've written anything... so stay with me.

update on life:
- i'm still going to graduate school and i have about another year left. i thought i would finish in Summer 2012, but decided not to overload myself and finish in Fall 2012.

- i've started working... and "part time" doesn't begin to describe it, but it's better than no income at all, i guess.

- i don't know what to call it (mainly because i find most labels between "single" and "in a relationship" confusing), but i am dating? seeing? someone and that is going well. he makes me happy :)

- my thesis proposal defense is in less than a month and that's a bit stressful... in addition to silly class assignments from a particular professor who ascribes to the notion that busy work is the best teacher.

- i have a hard time saying what i want, when i want, to the people i want.

well, that's all i can think of at the moment. i'll have something to share later on this week or early next week that will be more than a post talking about me :)

i'll close with a quote:
What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
- Bob Dylan

(i'm working on getting to the point where i can say that i am doing that)



Tuesday, January 25, 2011

by the by...

well, i've been running amok recently and have neglected my blog... my apologies.

school has begun and looks as though it will be an interesting and busy semester to say the least. only taking three classes this time around: Foundations of Policy, Human Behaviors in Diverse Populations and Research and Evaluation Methods I. though, i already think that one of my professors and i are not going to get along rather well.

there is one item of business i would like to share. i had an "a-ha" moment this weekend. [this will probably sound unhealthily self-deprecating here towards the beginning but keep with me; and, as i am typically a bit more colorful, i'll try to put this in language that won't make you think that i absolutely hate myself.]

i despise the way my body looks because of my weight. while this fact has not kept me from dating, or hanging out with friends or my non-dating confidence per se... it is beginning to weigh on my conscience (pun intended) more and more and more. i don't like it. and this may be more information than you care to know, but i don't even like it when i take off my shirt. this weekend, i was at a movie with some of my friends. i won't tell you which movie it is, because i'm completely disturbed by the fact that i actually went and saw this movie. let's just say the plot involved a typical Hollywood-movie romance. i'm fairly strong-minded and strong-emotioned about romance movies and this one was horrifically worse than i have ever seen.

but, it sparked within my mind [and it may have to do with being broken up with recently] something that truly pissed me off about my life: i don't care about a lot of stuff. well, let me be more specific... i don't care enough about a lot of stuff to do anything about it. id est, my looks, taking care of myself, being a healthy sleeper

well, that realization was all i really needed i guess. i made some immediate changes which i won't burden you with. they mostly have to do with physical, mental and spiritual health.

i don't know if i'll keep doing the changes everyday, but i want to end up with the changed being the norm rather than the exception.

so there we have it. an a-ha moment that led to immediate change... let's hope the change turns into permanent. or at least, into good habit.

and for good measure, a snippet of a conversation i had last summer with a stranger:
Me: How are you today, sir?
Elderly Man: [God] woke me up this morning, I'm doing great! Now, I've got a lot of shit to do and I won't get all of it done. But I got to wake up this morning, so I'm doing fine.


Saturday, January 15, 2011

a few quotes

the following two quotes i ran across in recent months and they both seem appropriate to my life. for reasons i'm not completely sure of just yet...

"This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries... in the end, what does it matter when the human heart can only find meaning in the smallest of moments?"

"There's two kinds of people in this world when you boil it all down. You've got your talkers and you've got your doers. Most people are just talkers. All they got is talk. But when all is said and done, it's the doers who change the world. And when they do that, they change us. And that's why we never forget them. So, which one are you? Do you just talk about it or do you stand up and do something about it? Because believe you me, all the rest of it is just coffeehouse bullshit."

the first is from the TV series Heroes and the second is from the movie Boondock Saints II.

school starts next week! i'll be glad to have something to do again...



Tuesday, January 04, 2011

things learned in 2010

about 6 years ago i made a New Year's resolution of "no more New Year's resolutions" and i've kept it ever since. soooo, since i don't do resolutions, i'm doing a post about what i learned or re-learned in the year 2010: happy, sad, difficult and everything in between.

and some of these may seem rather simple... actually most of them probably will, but that's the joy of life... sometimes the simplest lessons are the hardest to integrate.

in 2010, i learned that...

1. i am (extraordinarily) introverted, but being around other people keeps me grounded and my head out of the clouds

2. i miss seeing my family a lot

3. no job or person is so important that you should sacrifice yourself so much that you lose who you are and what you believe in

4. i'm just as and no more important as anyone else... so i need to take care of myself but not think that i deserve something any more than anyone else

5. my life is rather unbalanced

6. people will lie to you and lie and lie and lie

7. my dogs love me like nobody's business... and that this helps me get through a lot of stuff

8. something that's important or difficult for you may be really simple for someone else, that this can cause a lot of frustration and that it's ok that it causes frustration

9. having a friend who will tell you "no" when everybody else is too chicken enough to tell you "no" is fantastic

10. turning the daily humdrum of life into something fantastic is much easier with people you love than trying to do it by yourself

and 11th one for good luck:

11. life is better outside J


Sunday, December 12, 2010

a quick update

well, i need to be studying for my final tomorrow morning, but... this is more fun at the moment. sorry i've been absent for a while, but life kind of got in the way. school ends tomorrow (officially) for the semester with my one final at 9:00 AM.

with my first semester a breath away from being over, i can say: it was a good one. i'm not disappointed with my first semester. my good grades may have something to do with it, but i enjoyed it overall.

now a turn for the serious. having a friend leave your life is difficult. i am careful (and picky, quelle surprise...) about who i call friend and am very set in my ways about what friendship is. a friend of mine and i parted ways this autumn. i won't go into the details because, well, it's personal and i'm not the only one involved. as bad as it is to lose a friend, it is very good to gain that friend back. :)

i also came to a realization during my absence from blogging. i like knowing stuff. it makes me crazy when i do not... but once i find out what i want to know - happy as a clam. communication is a tricky thing. and even i'm getting tired of blogging about it, but it really is about perception. if i say the word "chair" an image comes to your mind and to mine. i guarantee that while your chair and my chair will, in essence, have all the necessary qualities to be called "chair"... they will most likely look very different. that's the point of perception... i've thought of an old captain's chair and you've thought of a rocking chair. you don't know that i've thought of a captain's chair unless i tell you and i don't know you've thought of a rocking chair unless you tell me. we all live on the same world, breath the same air... why don't we learn how to communicate/relate better than we do? we all have our reasons. mine is that i'm scared most of the time about it. but i have to get over that, just as we should all get over our reasons.

i go to confession at my church. not very often, but i do. one thing my priest told me before i made my first confession (as i was scared to do so) is that having sat for confessions for the last 30-odd years, there is one thing that he has found in common: it's all the same shit (yes, he used that word). he went on to say that if people just realized that what they do isn't that different from what others do, it'd be a lot easier to share.

i don't mean to completely liken relating to one another to confessing... but i think it is similar. i'm always scared to share, but i think that if i just realize that there's a lot more the same between me and whoever... it'd be easier.

life is too short to be scared all the time.

on my death bed, i think i'd like to look back and see that i was willing to share myself with others even if it was difficult and painful to do so... rather than look back and be "satisfied" that i protected myself all the time and went through life not making any deep connection with others.

what keeps you?


Wednesday, December 01, 2010

got no feel, i got no rhythm... i just keep losing my beat

note: i know this is vague, but... not everybody needs to know exactly what past event i'm talking about to understand what i'm trying convey.

i know i've written on this before, but i rarely say that i have regrets. very, very few things i would go back and change about what's happened or what i've done. but most of those are with the idea that i would know then what i know now and that seems rather short-sighted. yes, hindsight is 20/20. and i often say that i am fine with past mistakes and happenings because without them i would not be where i am right now... and overall, i like where i am... mostly.

but there is something i would go back and change. whole-heartedly i say that i would.

sometimes something that has happened can have such a restricting and deafening effect. it colors everything similarly occurring or related based on it. i know rather well all of the psychological conversations on perception, faulty processing and blah blah blah. but, really, my perception is my reality - faulty or not. sometimes past happenings raise the bar of expectations or lower it. what's fun is when a little bit of both happen.

i can't shake this one (well, maybe i won't and that's possible). it's become a reference point for many things and that's disheartening.

it's as if i was waiting for traffic to end to make a left turn, made the left turn when i didn't see any traffic... but got hit by another car. and now, i'm scared to make left turns. and it's as if when i went to China, ate authentic Chinese food and didn't want to eat at Chinese restaurants when i got back to the States.

i'm sure that last part was more than confusing.

all this to say, given the chance... i would go back and do it differently. while i like where i am overall, i don't like being at this particular place within that. and i don't like that i don't like it.

And I try and I try and I try

But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
I got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe

Thursday, November 25, 2010

(you are the only thing in any room you're ever in)

caution: cliché and sappy thanksgiving post ahead.

today is especially wonderful.

i got to spend time with my family. i got to spend time with my gorgeous nieces.
i want to talk about what i am thankful for because i rarely do so publicly; not on purpose, but only because i'm inordinately internal.

although, i guess i should correct what i just said because i do not want to talk about what i am thankful for, but who i am thankful for:
(Herman), (Lucile), (Albert Sr.), (Ruby), Albert Jr., Cherri, James, Malinda, Lexi, Jesse, Leslie, Allie, Trent, Vanessa, Sheila, Ryan, Matthew, Brenda, Duane, Les, Jami, Daisy, Scott, Charla C, Brittany W, Michael and Paul, Kamesha H, Brandt E, Cathy C, Chris M, Deb C, Ellie W, Eric and Sherrill M, Heather S, Paul and Jill M, Dwight and Jean, Mike and Emily C, Jordan and Meredith B, Jennifer L, Christopher C, Jessica H, Jordan F, Kristen B, Kristin P, Matt L, Megan B, Andrew and Alyse F, Katie C and Deilia and Elie (my two dogs!).

i wish i could list everyone...

all of the people in my life are amazing... and frustrating. but that's life and relationships. i'm thankful for each person. i consider it a good week when anyone i am close to and i have not killed each other.

in response to a question about what it means to be married, my priest said, "to be able to live with each other and not kill each other." i think that applies to any close relationship between any two people. being close with anyone, family or friend, is hard. it takes work. being friends isn't easy. being family isn't easy. well, sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't. i'm thankful it's difficult sometimes. otherwise, if life and relationships were all sunshine, pancakes and lollipops then it wouldn't be as meaningful.

so, here's to another week of not killing each other...
the world would not be what it is without you.
i love you all.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

i'll never know what you have shown to other eyes...

surprise! both of my papers have been turned in and i'm awaiting for my 6:00 PM class to begin and i have just enough time to type out a little something.

my brain is officially fried, so i'll be entertaining you with some song lyrics from an artist that is very near to my heart. i say that because this song expresses perfectly how i've been feeling for the past four months.

Go or Go Ahead
by Rufus Wainwright

Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but
What has happened to love

Got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evenings looking at stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
What has happened to love

So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fair-grounds and rebel angels
Can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Heaven's invention, steel eyed vampires of love

You see over me,
I'll never know what you've shown to other eyes

Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me

No Where’s now here smelling of junipers
Fell off the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But oh Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic powers of love

Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying

Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
And surprise me

Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
Go or go ahead
And just try me

sometimes my thoughts are completely in music... this is one of those times.


Thursday, November 11, 2010

dynamite with a laser beam... guaranteed to blow your mind (anytime)

well, next week is a KILLER for me at school and there will not be a post :(.

so i'm going to have this quick update for this week with random thoughts:

- i saw last night a man drinking WHILE driving for the first time ever. i am well aware of drinking then driving but while driving?? i feel like this should be when Seth Meyers on SNL would say, "Really?!"

- a few weeks ago i came across what can best be described as a moped (as opposed to biker) gang. they were sitting at a red light revving their engines and everything. and except for wearing leather jackets and boots they were wearing fashionable scarfs and sensible loafers. no, i didn't make any of that up. it really happened.

- on the same day as i saw Hell's Vespas, i was at another stop light and saw this 4 or 5 year boy running around the front of a grocery store with a bucket on his head. he was running around screaming his head off and laughing in delight. after seeing this, i was more than jealous at his ability to be so easily entertained.

- by no means do i miss my last job... but i miss working. only a little bit though.

- earlier this week i spent approximately 1 entire hour on YouTube looking at videos of baby's laughing. few things in this life bring me complete happiness and this is one of them.

- even though "be careful what you wish for" has been over-used... it's true.

- i'm addicted to movies. there, i said it. i really am though. there's only one genre of movies that i refuse to watch (romance/romantic comedies)... other than that, it's fair game.

- i think that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of the funniest shows in the history of time: "You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out."

- while i used to have some rosy thoughts about daylight savings time, i don't like it anymore. i want more daylight.

- and some wisdom to close things out:

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. - George Bernard Shaw

In every human being you encounter, there will be far more to celebrate than to denigrate. - Elie Wiesel


Saturday, November 06, 2010

"just take the path to Nothing, and go Nowhere until you reach it"

well, i felt badly for writing a post that was not for everyone to read so, imma gonna post another one for everyone.

i was going through some old things today in my humble apartment and ran across an old journal of mine. it was from when i was in high school. it was... almost embarrassing to read it. most of my entries written in that journal back then were, well, just plain embarrassing. but i came across one entry that in the midst of my youthful angst was this quote:

"I have always thought the actions of a man to be the best interpreter of his thoughts."

in the entry i did not write down who said this, but google.com tells me that it was spoken by John Locke. i don't remember where i came across this quote in high school; nor do i remember ever reading John Locke in high school at any length or depth. but, there the quote sits in my journal.

i have to say though, i love this quote. once in university, i got into a "discussion" about the essence of who a person is. my friend, and for the sake of keeping the "innocent" anonymous i'll not mention a name, said that he firmly believed that our actions defined who we are. he gave the example of crimes committed... a person who steals things is a stealer, a person who kills is a murderer, etc. likewise, he opined that a person who performs music is a musician.

this feels a bit like the old paradox of which came first the chicken or the egg, but i think he's a bit correct and a bit incorrect.

what we do is a reflection of what we think and who we are. do our actions have an effect on how we think? i think so. well, maybe a better answer on my part is: i hope they do. but do they have an effect so far as to say that they define us? i hope not. after all, we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS. and we are not the sum of our parts, as far as i am concerned. but i digress... back to the quote.

i think/believe that our actions are a direct reflection of our thoughts: good, bad, beautiful, ugly.

and i'm gonna tie this in with last weeks post because that topic is still on my mind. i also think that our actions show what we want. i know that circumstance can play as big a part as our thoughts when it comes to actions.

i keep mentioning things a lot of other people say, but "the ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit" according to W. Somerset Maugham...

when i went to university my sister wrote me a letter giving me advice about things she had learned during her undergrad. towards the end she wrote that, and this is a paraphrase, people show who they are in the every day things that they do... in how they speak, how they dress, how they brush their teeth, how they walk, etc. i think that overall, our actions show others (and ourselves for that matter) who we really are. i also think that this is an incomplete picture, but it is a glimpse nonetheless.

every day, every interaction and every action is a chance to see who someone is. every day others show us who they are. not in whole, but in part.

any time spent with someone, any text message, any phone call, any conversation, any hug, any kiss, any handshake, ad nauseum is an opportunity. only two things can interrupt these opportunities: not spending time with people or not paying attention. we each have control over both.

so... pay attention.