now, i should be in bed...

but, what's a late night between friends?

this weather we're having here in Dallas, Texas has somehow awoken -- and to be completely honest, i'm not sure that's a word -- inside of me certain feelings. largely feelings of nostalgia, loneliness, and, as an added bonus, a touch of hopelessness.

this lovely, mid- to high-70 degree weather coupled with ample clear skies, ignites deep within me a strong, overbearing desire to be outside. however, to be outside with someone who is special to me. now, before you get your mind up and running thinking that i have a particular person in mind, i will tell you to not let that thought keep going; i have no one person in mind. this feeling is a rather ambiguous and general one. it is just a raw emotion to be outside, enjoying this weather with a significant other.

now, this is where Loneliness rears its ugly and unwelcome head... menacing me with its disdainful whispers and dire need for company. i feel this great need to be in the presence of someone who would make my heart beat faster, but, as it is obvious, i have not in this area. i am well aware of the statements many of you would -- and have -- made about me finding someone like this. you may save them for the next pity party i have scheduled for next Thursday.

and, Loneliness, after he has all but settled into the spare bedroom of my mind, he is lonely and calls his friend Hopelessness. but, that is neither here nor there; and i digress.

The sun is out,
The sky is blue.
It's beautiful;
and so are you.

purpose

last night, i watched part of an episode of Planet Earth. it was an episode about caves. the portion i saw was concerning caves that are completely filled with water and flow out into the sea. in this particular cave there were, of course, many creatures living. it was probably the Sullen Sally or Pragmatic Patrick inside of me that then asked this question of the creatures which live in these caves: what is their purpose?

what is their purpose? they live in this cave their entire life. they either die of natural causes or get preyed upon by the next creature up in the food chain. most, if not all, live and die in those caves. now, i could buy into some "ecosystem" argument if argued well enough, but... really, what is their purpose? they live, eat, swim, and die. this is their existence. no emotions. no thought. no love.

like some fat loser, and like i was watching some stupid human interest piece about a kitten with no hind legs... i started feeling a connection between me and these damn fish. well, firstly, i started projecting my own feelings of purposelessness (and i'm certain that one's not a word) upon these fish. then i started to identify with how i saw their existence.

but they are not without purpose. even if no one ever discovered that they existed... they have a purpose. i offer to you zero proof to back up this belief. this is where i tell Pragmatic Patrick to get off. purpose is not founded upon such cut and dry definitions of what is able to be offered -- and seen as "useful" -- by that one thing or being to the rest of existence. an efficiency and task driven existence allows for little else.

there used to be a Steak and Shake commercial about their hand spun milkshakes. the cute little number they had pretending be one of their waitresses said (warning, not a verbatim quote), "People often ask us why we hand spin our milkshakes instead of doing it faster like the other guys. Our response is: when was the last time you tasted a shake and said, 'Mmmm. That tastes... efficient.' "

yesterday's anthem

I used to rule the world.
Seas would rise when I gave the word.
Now in the morning I sleep alone,
Sweep the streets I used to own.

I used to roll the dice,
Feel the fear in my enemies eyes.
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key;
Next the walls were closed on me.
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand.

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing,
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing.
Be my mirror, my sword, and shield,
My missionaries in a foreign field.

For some reason I can't explain,
Once you know there was never, never an honest word.
That was when I ruled the world.

It was the wicked and wild wind,
Blew down the doors to let me in,
Shattered windows and the sound of drums.
People couldn't believe what I'd become.

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate.
Just a puppet on a lonely string.
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing,
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing.
Be my mirror, my sword, and shield,
My missionaries in a foreign field.

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name.

Never an honest word.
And that was when I ruled the world.

when i find a song that truly hits me... it's like i've met a new best friend. when i'm listening to a different song on the album, i miss that song. i wonder why these other songs aren't like my new best-friend-song. i'll readily admit that, on average, i'll listen to this new song 15 times in one sitting. now, that i've introduced you to one of my rather intimate details... i'll give you my permission to call me "strange" and explain why i'm writing about this particular song i've provided the lyrics for above. this song, for some reason, hit me a little harder than normal.

i realize that Mr. Martin probably intended this song to be about Mr. Bush or Mr. Blair, as it is said on the street. but, it means something different to me. and i believe that music has the innate ability to be elastic.

this song could be sung by me and i would mean every single word. now, i know i never really "ruled the world." but in my own little existence of life, i definitely ruled my own world. now, some of you readers will think, "well, of course, you did. you are your own person." well, i kindly ask that you humor me.

six years ago, i was completely and utterly sure of everything i believed. everything. i knew exactly what i was supposed to do. i knew exactly what i wanted. i knew how to get what i wanted. and i was fucking miserable. today, i am completely and utterly unsure of so many things in my life. i have no idea what i am supposed to do. i don't know what the hell i want or how to even imagine about getting it. and i am content. i lived in castles, but living on the proverbial street is so much more fulfilling than any castle built on pillars of salt and sand. i shared this with my sister this past week, and her response was agreeable, "Brother, that's life."

i was so concerned with being in charge.
so concerned with knowing, that i lost sight of everything; ironically enough, even of myself -- the one thing that i "had" control of.

i will not say that i have completely found myself, because i hope that there is more to me than this. but i will say that i have found more of myself. i realize that sometimes definitions hinder understandings... and that "control" can have many connotations. when i write this next part i am not-- nor was i in any of the previous parts -- referring to self-control; that is a different concept:

i have realized that i cannot be controlled by my own person. and this is so freeing. relinquishing control over something so uncontrollable -- and handing it over to Someone who is able and has been courting me for it -- is liberatingly wonderful.

it's awe-full and scary and comforting that He has said, "you can't hide from Me."



sheesh, this was a long one.

direct quote

from my profile:
"i am often frustrating, simply because i do not know what i want."


ugh.
tell me about it.

The Animals

Henry David Thoreau calls to me in my dreams.
or maybe, perhaps, Walden does.

wilderness.
quietude.
nature.



i am so over Dallas.

we gotta get out of this place... if it's the last thing we ever do.

a poem

from a foreign move i watched last year:

Stay by my side as my light grows dim
as my blood slows down and my nerves
shudder with stabbing pain,
as my heart grows weak and the wheels
of my being turn slowly.

Stay by my side as my fragile body
is racked by pain which verges on truth,
and manic time continues scattering dust
and furious life bursts out in flames.

Stay by my side as I fade so you can
point to the end of my struggle,
and the twilight of eternal days
at the low, dark edge of life.

wednesday...

here recently, i've been trying to get my head around a couple of things. i struggle a lot with self-image and how i view myself. i know that "everybody struggles with their own image." i know that it's normal. but, i need to write about it.

i don't really know how to write this without sounding like a complete loser... oh well:
i get lonely very easily. when i get lonely, i close off others. and all of this turns into a wonderful cycle of depression & desperation.



i put up an "i'm alright" front, but, more than anything, i'm waiting for someone to be able to break through that front & see me.

days like these

re·gret
–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth. –noun
3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.


under normal circumstances, i rarely say that i have any serious regrets. in fact, i believe that i have only two regrets to speak of. an addition to this list is difficult for me to admit; for obvious reasons. i work hard to appreciate my regrets as i would not be exactly where i am without them... they, no matter how hard i would like for them to not, are a part of me and will forever be a part of my past. but, as i said, without them, i would not be at this place, at this moment in time... and there is truly no where else i'd love to be.

today is a day when i add to my list of regrets. number 3. though, right now, i'm sure i could be convinced to treat this one as number 3 through 10. but i'm sure i'll get over that notion in a few days. my impatience costs me so much.


this will be the last time.
so help me God.

where i am; where am i

life is so much more beautiful and so much more horrifying than i thought.

It's a long way from Miami to LA
It's a longer way from yesterday
To where I am today

i don't know where i'll end up, but the at least the journey there will be worth it.

May 1st

Today is a day of remembrance. It is the day we look back to those dreadful years of the rule of a truly disturbed man and at the lives he took.

We remember those who were burned alive, shot, starved, worked to death, froze to death. Those who were raped and beaten. Those who were mutilated and whose bodies became playgrounds for the doctors of the Nazi Regime. Those whose lives were taken because of their ancestry, their beliefs, their mental and physical capacity, and who they loved.

6,000,000+ Jews
5,000,000+ Christians
1,800,000-2,000,000 Ethnic Poles
220,000-500,000 Roma
200,000-500,000 Disabled
80,000-200,000 Freemasons
5,000-15,000 Gay Men
2,500-5,000 Jehovah's Witnesses

We remember you. We celebrate the lives you lived and grieve the deaths you were given.

May we never forget.
And God help us if we ever do.